Oh shitballs, it’s almost summer already.
That means soon we can no longer hide our drooping bodies beneath conspiratorial layers of winter clothing. Weekend magazines and morning television shows will encourage us to beat our bodies into beach shape, briefly convincing us that it will be worth months of running, pulling, pushing, and lifting to tone up our flaccid frames for that triumphant moment when we drop our outer layer of clothing onto the sand and reveal a toned monument to physical discipline underneath.
But, when it comes to staring headlong into months of gym work, we come to realise that there is, in fact, no way we’re actually f*cking going to do that. Which is why we’ve composed an easier workout plan for you.
Here’s how you can get in shape while only putting minimal effort in.
1. Eat, sleep, rave, repeat. We’ve seen this fitness program advertised on a lot of T-shirts, so it must be legit. And hey, it’s hard to think of a better way to shed a few kilos than spending 12 hours shuffling your ass off, sweating like you’ve got glandular fever and macking on with complete strangers.
2. Have a bunch of sex. If nobody wants to do that with you, just watch porn.
3. Quit your job. It’s surprisingly easy to cut calories when you have no money for food.
4. Switch from beer and wine to straight vodka.
5. Switch to one of those giant brick mobile phones from the ‘80s. The extra weight you have to cart around all day will be genuinely beneficial. If people ask what the hell you’re doing, explain that you’re a hipster and your ‘80s phone is a statement about consumerism and greed.
Take up smoking. Cocaine. Drink more coffee. Straight up espresso (or “expresso” if you’re an idiot), no milk. Appetite suppressor FTW.
7. Use the internet to find your twin. There is bound to be someone else in the world who looks almost exactly like you, only in better shape. Steal their most attractive Facebook swimwear photos and put them on your own page.
8. Zigzag when you drive. Straight-line driving is for lazy pigs. You will get plenty of extra arm exercise if you swerve all over the road.
9. Wear one of those inflatable flamingos around your waist all summer long. People will just see you for the beach party animal that you are and not notice your big gut underneath.
10. Only eat animals you catch yourself. All the slower beasts like scrub turkey, ibis, and feral cat are very rangy and have lean meat.
11. Use phone apps that require regular hand movements. Like Tinder. For every 400 times you swipe right you’re burning off a cheeseburger. Probably.
12. Get a giant tattoo of Harambe on your stomach to hide any excess paunch.
13. Watch every episode of The Bachelor. It will leave you feeling so nauseous you will barely eat for days.
14. Get out of the habit of using lifts and escalators. Find another building that only has one level instead. The walk will do you good.
15. Join 20-30 gyms in your area. Obviously you would never visit them, but carrying around that many membership cards in your wallet (up to 500g!) is a very subtle form of exercise.
Image credit: Gigi’s Instagram