Admit it, you’ve thought about quitting Facebook. Well, maybe you should.
Imagine a life where you don’t have to see what that one random friend is up to ALL THE TIME. You know, the one who thinks the ‘What’s on your mind?’ thing is a genuine question that someone is asking them and which needs to be answered regularly.
Do you despair when you see that a person you know has had a baby? Does the miracle of life, something that once only generated joy, now make you wince and swear under your breath because you know your timeline is about to get absolutely drenched with baby pics?
According to older movies and TV shows, there was once a time when people used to carry around a pic of their kids in their wallet. As in, one pic of each of their kids. Now, with Facebook, it’s as though that chick you went to college with but haven’t spoken to for five years is sitting beside you on the bus plucking photos out of the Caitlin What a Cutie Album 4 (86 photos) and holding them in front of your face one by one. Oh that’s nice, your kid is playing with a block. LOL. I don’t need to see 12 pics of the SAME KID PLAYING WITH THE SAME BLOCK.
Dog and cat owners are the same. It’s fine to put up a few pictures of your new puppy, but we don’t really need any more updates until, say, it graduates from Uni.
Then there’s always that friend who thinks she has model potential. She no doubt believes her modelling career has temporarily stalled because she’s just a bit too short, or she hasn’t pumped with the right people yet. Nothing to do with the fact she has a face like an oven-baked trout. But as long as she keeps posting glamour and ‘erotic’ portraits, well, you never know IMG Models might be searching through Facies for that ‘frumpy chic’ look.
Yep, I know, you can unfriend these people or just hide them from your feed. But what’s the point of even having Facebook then? So you can have hilarious banter with your pals in a public forum, right? Yeah, at least until your mum and your aunty really awkwardly butt in on your sexual-innuendo-laced private jokes.
So why not quit?
I could give you a number of valid reasons that make the case for sticking with Facebook sound reasonable enough. It’s the best way to keep in touch with your chums who live overseas or in other cities. It’s the easiest way to organise a party or event. Where else are you going to post those humorous memes and thought-provoking articles that you stumble across while you’re supposed to be working? And hey, Facebook is still way better than Myspace.
But really the main reason you shouldn’t quit Facebook is for the stalkage. No other invention throughout the history of humankind has made it so simple to stalk our friends, enemies, frenemies, lovers, former lovers, the guy who works across from you, that girl from boot camp… and all their pets. The ability to see exactly who that arsehole/bitchface is dating now is too precious a gift to hand back.
Hide all the annoying crap from your timeline if you have to, but there is absolutely no need to quit being creepy.
Cherish your stalking powers, and continue to abuse them wisely.
Image credits: Giphy