15 Things To Do When You’re Nobody’s Valentine

By Daniel Colasimone
11th Feb 2016

Valentine’s Day is the most repugnant celebration of the year if you’re single. When you’re flying Han Solo, February 14 looks like nothing more than an excuse for smug couples to flaunt their smugness in the most publically smug ways possible.

It’s basically a write-off, too, if you want to go out for a meal, as every restaurant is booked out and charging triple what they normally would.

Now you could get bitter about your predicament, and let this contrived commercial holiday ruin your week. Or you could embrace your bitterness, let it flourish, and make the most of it. Here are 15 ways you could spend your time on Valentine’s Day if you’re alone and loveless.

1. Stand outside a classy restaurant with your face pressed against the window, staring in. This is a great way to ruin the romantic dining experience for all the couples. If you can have tears streaming down your cheeks, it will really complete the look.

2. Park in the McDonald’s car park, lie on the roof of your car and play Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself” on repeat at high volume.

3. Change your Facebook relationship status from “Single” to “It’s complicated” then post dozens of pics of your mother.

4. Order a stripper to your house, but remember to tell him/her it’s your birthday so it’s not sad that you’re alone at home, getting a stripper.

5. Call your ex from five years ago and ask if they just called you. When they say no ask if they want to have coffee some time or maybe sex. When they say no threaten to take out a restraining order if they call you again.

6. See if you can make planking a thing again.

7. Get together with your bestie and two of your closest frenemies and play a sexually-charged game of beach volleyball, Top Gun-style.

8. Go on a blimp ride.

9. Swipe right to EVERYBODY on Tinder then use quotes from Shakespeare’s The Tempest for all your interactions. Come, temperate nymphs, and help to celebrate. A contract of true love. Be not too late.

10. Re-enact the Zou Bisou Bisou scene from Mad Men with 20 of your closest friends, down to the finest detail. If you can’t round up enough people to play all the parts, use French Bulldogs instead.

11. Make 10L of weapons-grade moonshine and drink it on your porch. If you don’t have a porch, drink it at the bus stop.

12. Run across the country like Forrest Gump did in that movie, Forrest Gump. Um, maybe take a bottle of water for the middle bit of Australia.

13. Write an epic poem about sideboob.

14. Keep ordering Ubers until one of the drivers agrees to come over to your place, drink wine spritzers, and watch The Notebook with you.

15. Get a house painter around to give you a quote for some work, then ask him to draw you like one of his French girls.

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