Relationships end all the time. Sometimes it’s tough. Sometimes it’s really tough.
Occasionally you realise it’s for the best and just move on. One thing that makes breaking up much harder to take, though, is when you don’t see it coming. Here are a bunch of tell-tale signs that your relationship is on the ropes. You’d be surprised how often people miss these.
(This is written from a hetero male perspective but the truths are universal—feel free to swap the hes and shes to suit your needs.)
1. She Keeps Trying To Poison You
We’ve all been there. You come home and she’s baked brownies. But when you start scoffing them down they have an unusual taste, like bitter almonds. Then you start throwing up and have to go to hospital to get your stomach pumped. Or you catch her putting hemlock in your Earl Grey. Or strychnine in your zucchini slice. These are all signs that your partner is attempting to assassinate you with poison. And we can surmise, by extension, that she doesn’t really like you anymore.
2. She Shows Signs Of Physical Repulsion Whenever You’re Around
When you put your arm around her and her whole body shudders, it’s not great. Or when you walk out of the shower in the nude and she starts dry retching. Does she build a pillow fortress between you in bed? Or, if you do actually get to make some sex, she insists the room is completely dark. The fact she finds you disgusting to look at is not necessarily the death knell for your relationship, but it’s not a good start.
3. She’s Stopped Hiding Her Affairs From You
In the early days of your courtship, when everything was rosy, she did a pretty good job of hiding the fact she was sleeping with a bunch of other people. Now she doesn’t even try. You get home and there are explicit polaroids all over the place, condom wrappers beside the bed, and naked dudes asleep on the couch. It’s awkward to the max when old mate wakes up before she does and you have to make small talk.
4. She Tells Everyone You’re Dead
It starts off with her not wanting to be seen with you on the street and refusing to introduce you to her friends. When it gets to the stage where she begins telling people you died in a freak powerboat accident, you may want to think about firing up the Tinder account again.
5. She Fakes Amnesia
After watching the Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell masterpiece, Overboard, your partner suddenly claims to have been hit on the head by a low-flying ibis and completely lost her memory. She says she can’t possibly be with you anymore because she doesn’t remember who you are. Oddly, she still screams stuff at you like “This is just typical of you, you miserable git, why won’t you just let me live my life!”
6. She Marries Someone Else
Okay, so she never officially broke up with you, so you think you might just be going through a rough patch where you don’t see or talk to each other for a few months. But when you stalk her Facebook (because she’s unfriended you, weirdly), you see pictures of her wedding to that bloke Graham from the Mitsubishi dealership. This is a very strong indication that a) you have indeed broken up and b) your chances of getting back together are slim.
Photo Credit: The Breakup