The Bachelor Episode 4 | Power Rankings

By Daniel Colasimone
5th Aug 2016

Is it just me or is this series taking longer than usual? There are still 12 ladies left and we’ve been going for months, haven’t we?

Anyway, this was another episode of Richie standing around looking gormless, reciting lines the producers have obviously fed him or mumbling his own inanities as the girls gush over him.

And there’s so much gushing. Osher walks in and they shriek, as though he’s some favourite cousin back from the war. He reads out a card and they shriek and gush some more, this time with slightly crazed looks in all their eyes as they calculate what it means to their chances. When Richie’s in the room there is so much gushing about how amazing he looks, and how amazing the girls look, that it must truly be a special thing for the cameramen etc. to be standing in a room with so many astonishing human beings.

Here are the power rankings after another week of Bachie tumult.

1. Megan

Sorry, but Megan’s still the hottest. Richie is hooked. Or maybe I’m just projecting my feelings onto him.

2. Olena

Like Megan, Olena is playing this pretty cool so far, and it’s a good look. Some of the girls are just dripping with desperation but surely the winner is going to be someone who makes the poor sap work for it a little.

3. Alex

The white rose is more powerful than three dragons but with that power comes great responsibility. This massive encumbrance is weighing poor Alex down and she was too scared to use the mighty white rose for fear of offending the other girls in her sewing circle. Come on Alex, nice girls finish last. Admittedly, she’s most attractive when she’s pouting.

4. Sasha

At this stage she is just getting through by looking cute and having a Russian accent. But sometimes in life, that’s enough.

5. Nikki

Though she doesn’t really do or say anything of substance, that kind of puts her on Richie’s level, so Nikki can’t be counted out here.

6. Faith

It’s hard to remember anything Faith had done to this point, but she ended up on a date with old mate, which he casually tries to play off as “a little James Bondy”, when it was clearly trying hard to be VERY James Bondy. By the time Richie got out of “his” speedboat he had told her she looks amazing (twice) and incredible, and she stole his lines and told him he looked amazing (twice). His nervous fake laugh also reached critical mass. She used the swimming pool frolic to try and drown him with her boobs, which apparently means she’s “competitive”. Richie professed his like for her. They pashed. Does that really count for much on this show, though?

7. Rachael

The mother hen seems to be in the running through the sheer force of her personality and general stubbornness. Richie is clearly a bit scared of her, and therefore won’t be sending her home for a while.

8. Noni

Noni seems fun. Richie should spend more time with her.

9. Keira

I said at the start that Keira is just here to add an element of conflict to the show so will stick around for a while without actually having any real chance of winning, and I stand by that theory. She complains about going on a group date because she was “hoping for a rest day”, FFS. A rest day, really? The constant whinging and conflict and drama; do you need that in your life, Richie?? (The answer is no). She describes herself as “sassy” which isn’t the word I’d use.

10. Eliza

In sporting terminology, Eliza has taken her eyes off the prize. For some reason she’s gotten involved in trench warfare with Keira instead of focussing on getting into Richie’s chinos. You’re supposed to be the funny one, Eliza! Be more funny!

11. Kiki

I honestly think she survived because when Richie gazed upon the last three girls with but a single rose in his hand, Kiki was wearing the least amount of clothing. Boob tubes at rose ceremonies – simple tactics that work, girls!

12. Georgia

It’s hard to understand why Georgia’s still around. I mean, I’m sure she’s lovely but has he even talked to her? Does she have pictures of him from his stripping days that she’s threatening to sell to New Idea if he doesn’t give her a rose? I made the stripping thing up, don’t sue me Richie.

This article previously appeared on our sister site, The Urban List


Photo Credit: Bachelor Australia

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