The Most Significantly Insignificant Things To Happen On The GC In 2015

By Sally Coates
16th Dec 2015

Whether you can believe it or not, 2015 is nearly over. We know right, what the hell?! Although it seems at the end of each year, we reminisce and think three things:

What even happened this year?

That one thing I actually can remember, was that this year or last year?

Where did May and August go? Nothing ever seems to happen in May and August! Can anyone even prove they happened?

Well, regardless of whether these questions are the result of conspiracy theories or empty wine bottles and resultant lost brain cells, we at Metropolist put our thinking caps on and jotted down the most important parts of GC life in 2015.

THE most important stuff, trust us…

1. Johnny Depp graced us with his godly presence and we responded by threatening to kill his dogs and imprison his model wife Amber Heard. #smooth

2. A series of earthquakes devastated our landscapes with the same ferocity of a semi-trailer driving by at 70km/h. Some locals likened it to the film ‘2012’ while others made comments like “What earthquake?” #wewillrepair

3. An Irish teen got stuck in the SinCity Nightclub roof while trying to sneak in.

4. With the last point in mind, shockingly, the Queensland Government pushed for legislation to enforce new nightlife lockout laws, similar to those in Sydney.

5. Construction on the “Jewel” began, making locals wonder what in God’s name will happen when the sun hits 130 metres of irregularly angled mirrored material.

6. Anti-smoking advocate and women’s rights campaigner “The Candyman” rose to fame as he was viciously attacked by nasty news program “A Current Affair” on countless occasions and threw delightful tea parties for the public.

7. Natural selection was seriously put to the test as countless people continued treating the tramlines like transit lanes.

8. The whole GC was rocked by the live footage of our treasured Mick Fanning being attacked by a shark, followed by many tinnies being cracked and cries of ‘STRAYA’ after the news surfaced that he PUNCHED IT IN THE FACE.

9. Some guy stole an echidna from the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary, posing many questions among the public such as how, why, and when will you be releasing a reality TV show documenting your lives together?

10. The Dubai XCAT series came to the GC for the first time, creating a massive tourism boom and apparently one of them flipped, which is pretty crazy.

11. Future Music Festival was cancelled, leaving Stereosonic as literally the only reason for Gold Coasters to get jacked.

12. Weatherologists counted four billion storms hit the “sunny” Gold Coast and subsequently, 46 billion Facebook statuses complaining about said storms and an additional 200 billion heavily edited Instagram snaps of storm clouds hit the interwebs.

13. The Nobby Beach Wanker rose to fame as he made countless Facebook statuses (statii?) regarding acai bowls, The Bachelorette, and Nobbys Arc, creating confusion as to why he is actually making valid, educated contributions to society rather than being a wanker as his name suggests. Metropolist will be investigating the irony.

14. A Gold Coast fitness model came under some serious heat for pumping iron while heavily pregnant. The baby has since been born and as expected, is rocking some sick delts and a protein addiction.

15. Gold Coast tradie Sam Manning swam into the Coomera River and saved the driver of a crane that had fallen off the bridge and into the water. His official statement read: “If you see someone in the river like that you just swim out and grab them.” Like, y’know, whatever.

16. The majority of Pacific Fair’s large-scale revamp was unveiled, really emphasising how shit the old Pac Fair actually was.

17. Daly Cherry-Evans backflipped on a deal with the Titans pretty much everybody knew he was going to back out of anyway. It would have been a more shocking story if he had actually done a backflip.

18. Much cooler former Titan and online legend, Kevin Gordon released a video of him riding a magic carpet. Haters are trying to say the video is fake but here at Metropolist, we believe in magic.

19. Online equivalent of Monday mornings, Reddit released a list of leaked Gold Coast nudes before realising the majority of the content was freely accessible on Instagram anyway.

20. A doctor LITERALLY attributed a rise in STIs to Tinder and Grindr. He said, and we quote, “Do NOT have sex, or you will get chlamydia and die.”

21. On the contrary, a woman so dedicated to her oral health was caught flossing while driving 110km/h on the M1.

22. Cody Simpson started dating again. Seriously guys, this is big news.

23. A tragic string of domestic violence events rocked the Gold Coast, but caused us all to unite, recognise the seriousness of domestic violence, do all we can to put preventative measures in place and popularise assistive charities such as White Ribbon, Reach Out, and Emerge.

24. The Gold Coast was amazed by the spotting of a rare white whale off the Coast, believed to be “the rock star of the underwater mammal world”, Migaloo. We’re still convinced it was just Gina Rinehart on a secret Gold Coast getaway.

25. Commonwealth Games preparation continued, with few actually knowing what’s going on apart from the fact that the GC Show was held at the Turf Club this year.

26. Jetstar announced direct Gold Coast to China flights, assisting in, in Paul Keating’s words, making Australia less of the arse of the world and more of a thigh or knee.

27. The Gold Coast saw its first ever Guide Dog Graduation, which is just flat-out adorable.

28. A deer went on a rampage through GC streets after a big night out in Surfers. Unfortunately nobody claimed ownership of the deer so it was euthanised. OF COURSE NOBODY CLAIMED OWNERSHIP OF A DEER! WHO OWNS A DEER???

29. Our boy, Adam Scott affectionately and creatively nicknamed “Scotty” by Wikipedia, had a slightly underwhelming year but he did have a baby, to his own wife, which is unusual in professional sport so, congratulations Scotty!

30. The Gold Coast hosted its first ever gay and lesbian pride festival, aptly name “Glitter Festival” which featured an array of inclusive and equality driven events. We’re still trying to wash the glitter out of our lashes!

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Sally Coates is a self-proclaimed comedian whose talents include convincing people she’s a comedian, making terrific jokes, swearing inappropriately, and talking in third person. Destined for success, Sally’s hobbies include eating bad food, binge watching TV shows, and cuddling cats. Find her on Instagram @saldawgz 

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