Christmas is around the corner—a time where all the good girls and boys get to eat their weight in ham and empty their bank accounts into other people’s Christmas stockings.
And also the time where it’s perfectly appropriate to crack open some scotch, cosy up in the air con, and watch your favourite Yuletide movie—and not be such a cynical cow for once.
Here’s a selection of some of the finest holiday flicks, and what they say about you. Get ready to know yourself better.
You are a human being with an actual heart and/or serious PMS. You have all the feelings and you’re ready to ugly cry—and that scene where Emma Thompson plays her Joni Mitchell CD all alone in her bedroom should do the trick. Your favourite song is All I Want for Christmas and your Michael Buble Christmas album will be working overtime this year.
It’s a Wonderful Life
All you want for Christmas is for some younger relative to program your new DVD player and fix your email for you. Technology scares you, you have many TV remotes and you’re pretty sure that Millennials spend all their money on smashed avocado breakfasts. You will cook a turkey on a 40-degree Christmas Day and you’re still pushing disgusting Christmas fruit cake on unsuspecting children. Daylight Savings—over your dead body.
You pretty much are the biggest legend in Legendland and your mince pies are the best in all of Australia. People want to be you or be with you. Ace of Base and Meatloaf are your jam.
The Santa Clause
Your mum got that three-month free Foxtel deal when you were younger, which gave you the taste for B grade Christmas movies on repeat. You miss Home Improvement and you never got over Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
The Muppet Christmas Carol
You still have childhood wonder in spades. You bought all your presents on Etsy because you are cute and quirky and you still own the Little Mermaid soundtrack on cassette tape. You have unrealistic expectations for your love life and career trajectory.
The Nightmare before Christmas
You’ve just booked a holiday to Bali to avoid having to see your family at Christmas. That will teach your parents to get divorced.
Meet Me in St Louis
You have taken too many sick days over your lifetime and now know every matinee movie on every channel. Dr. Phil is your spirit guide and once you ordered a collectable crystal angel from an infomercial. You invite Mormons in for tea until they get uncomfortable and leave.
You will be drinking vodka alone on your couch Christmas Eve wondering when your prince will come and hoping your family doesn’t make you sit at the kids table again. Your head is too big for those paper Christmas crowns that come out of the cracker and people buy you underwear for Christmas that are two sizes too big… for now.
You’ve already watched Love Actually too many times and are looking for a replacement. But in your heart of hearts you know that Colin Firth can never be replaced. Colin Firth is life.
You are a man with a TV. Your mum and sisters have bought you presents to give to other people. You have set the bar so low for yourself that no one expects you to bring a plate to dinner—or even brush your hair.
Reached your Christmas quota but still want something to watch? Here’s five new documentaries you need to watch now!
Photo Credit: The Santa Clause