New Year. New You. 15 LOL-worthy Resolutions.

By Daniel Colasimone
1st Jan 2017

We all know that most New Year’s resolutions get broken by about 2pm on January 1st, so the key is to be realistic with your goals.

Aim to achieve things that are going to make your life a little bit better but won’t leave you feeling like dirt when you fail dismally to achieve them. Here is a hodge podge of superior New Year’s resolutions which will make the world a better place for you, and for those around you.

1. Rather than the “year of the selfie”, make 2017 the “year of taking photos of things in the world that are not me”.

2. Limit instances of GETTING ENRAGED BY THINGS ON THE INTERNET to five.

3. When you go on the next fad diet, do it for health reasons and not just to tell everyone you’re doing it.

4. When a new song comes out in 2017 that blows your mind, show a little restraint and don’t play it non-stop until you never want to hear it again. That especially means not making it your ringtone or alarm. Stop ruining music.

5. Carry a pair of scissors in your back pocket and chop off any man-buns you see.

6. Promise to stay away from cigarettes. Unless you’re really drunk of course.

7. Clear your debts. That might mean faking your own death, getting a whole new identity, and moving to Honduras, but it will be worth it to be debt-free. I know a passport guy if you need help with the identity part.

8. Quit drinking…before 10am.

9. De-Karl Stefanovic your life. See if you can go an entire 12 months without seeing Karl’s face.

10. Get involved with politics this year. Actually make a difference by sharing a Facebook post or two. Remember that time we got Joseph Kony?

11. Learn a language in 2017. You’ll find Klingon, Elvish, or Wookie very useful as geeky fan culture takes over the world.

12. Tell your boss what you really think: That he/she is preternaturally good-looking, has an incredible intellect, and should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Flattery will get you everywhere.

13. Invent a new pizza topping. Be flexible with the word “edible”.

14. Avoid direct confrontation. There are a few tricks to harming others without putting yourself in danger, including drone strikes, poison darts, and booby traps.

15. Grow a rat’s tail. Come on, if we all do it, it’ll be hilarious.


Photo Credit: Hayley Williamson for Metropolist

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