New Year’s Eve. Jager. No sleep. Tequila. Beer pong. Sambuca. Seriously, who brought Sambuca?! You right now: “Send help. Fast. Phone light hurting eyes and brain. Not much time.”
Read on, friends. For some of you it might be too late, but we can still save some of you with our ingenious and scientifically proven hangover cures.
1. Decide what liquid that parched and filthy mouth desires then acquire five other types of liquid. Water ain’t gonna cut it. We suggest Powerade, fresh juice, Coke, and iced coffee (not altogether or in that order, it’s just nice to have variety).
2. Four words: Hair of the dog. Kahlua in your coffee, vodka in your OJ, beer in the shower—there’s no wrong way to do this but it has a guaranteed success rate.
3. Throw up. Heaps. Get all that evil out of your body exorcist style.
4. Sleep it out. Lay there like the lifeless starfish you are and just pray your building doesn’t burn down while you’re in this state, ‘cause you’re not going ANYWHERE.
5. Hang out with someone who f*cked up their life worse than you did the night before. Ended up in lock-up, got their kit off in front of their parents, sent their ex 173 text messages—it’s okay to be quietly satisfied as long as it makes you feel better.
6. In that short burst before your hangover properly hits and your brain hasn’t quite caught up with your body, map out your entire day. Air con on, pizza within reach, aforementioned five liquids on hand, phone and laptop charger both plugged in and functioning, and a TV box set at the ready. You won’t need to move again all day but you MUST utilise that burst.
7. Submerge yourself in any body of water—a pool, a river, the ocean etc. The water will purify you of all alcoholic evil and cleanse your soul like a Jewish Mikveh.
8. If body of water is too far away/too much effort/you’re still too drunk to drive, crying in the fetal position in the shower will suffice.
9. Be Russian.
10. Exercise. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA just kidding. Don’t you dare move more than you absolutely have to. Seriously though.
11. Eat any fast food whatsoever. And we don’t necessarily mean Maccas, KFC, Dominos; we just mean any food that is available, edible and takes literally no effort to make. Hot and cheesy is always a safe bet.
12. Submit yourself to hospital and demand to be hooked up to the IV. Failing this and being escorted out by security, revert to #8.
13. Go to church. If you feel your skin start to burn with the sins of the night before, immediately leave and settle with a Bloody Mary. In the spiritual words of Sterling Archer, “Bloody Mary full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
14. Panadol, Berocca or anti-hangover rubbish (*cough*…if you’re weak).
15. Lemonade icy poles. Both the physical effect of the cool, soothing semi liquid as well as the emotional effect of being transported to the innocence of youth, will ease your pain.
16. Remember past, worse hangovers and think yourself lucky.
17. Avoid the public at all costs. There’s a good chance happy families will walk past and the parents will grab their kids, look them in the eye and say, “See little Bobby, that’s what will happen if you don’t listen to Mummy. Do you want to grow up and be like that girl/boy?!” Then the kid will scream in horror and granted, learn a valuable life lesson, but it won’t be good for your fragile, hungover soul.
18. Vitamins and water and whatever.
19. Cuddles never go astray. It’s always good to choose someone who will fulfill the majority of this list for you while your brain and body regenerates, but won’t misinterpret your hungover weakness as a “So, what are we?” opportunity.
20. Avoiding your online banking app no matter what. You don’t need that added headache.
21. Copping it. Hopefully it was a good night and you can laugh your way through the hangover. Don’t get us wrong, you can still complain all you want but just know you can’t enter a twerking comp and expect to get off scott free. You earned that hangover like a tiger earns its stripes. Suffer with pride.
Oh, and Happy New Year!
Sally Coates is a self-proclaimed comedian whose talents include convincing people she’s a comedian, making terrific jokes, swearing inappropriately, and talking in third person. Destined for success, Sally’s hobbies include eating bad food, binge watching TV shows, and cuddling cats. Find her on Instagram @saldawgz