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57 Things That Go Through Your Head At Bootcamp

By Sally Coates - 11 Apr 2016

The Gold Coast has so many awesome options to get you fit and #GoldCoastified, and bootcamps are a fast track way to getting the look. But if you haven’t tried one before, you may be wondering if they’re for you.

Well, we’re here to do our civic duty like the good Samaritans we are, by providing you with a detailed account of what exactly goes through your head while undertaking a gruelling session. Go forth and read, and make your bootcamp decision wisely.

Disclaimer: This is a true account of an emotionally and physically unstable individual who definitely enjoys alcohol and fast food a little too much, hence the pain of pretty much all exercise. If she can do it, literally anyone can.

1. You’re walking so awkwardly. Walk cooler.

2. Oh god, there’s so many people here.

3. I need new active wear, I didn’t realise this was a freakin’ fashion parade.

4. Hi!!! Are we friends or are we going to compete?

5. Warm up laps?! What is the meaning of this?

6. Oh no mate, you are NOT overtaking, even if it kills me. Which it just might.

7. Jesus, I feel like a f**king warthog.

8. Finally done. Surely it can’t get harder than this?

9. If I stand at the back no one will see me, right?

10. Kettle bells? What the hell are they? The only time my kettle bells is when it’s ready to cook my Mi Goreng.

11. Mmmm… Mi Goreng.

12. You want me to swing this thing? Do you even realise how heavy it is? Oh, 8kgs, it says on the side.

13. There’s pain in my body where I’ve never felt pain before, what is this torture?!

14. Self-loathing begins: how did you let yourself get to this stage?!

15. Oh that’s right, wine and Mi Goreng. The diet of champions!

16. Maybe not, I think I’m going to throw up soon.

17. Water, oh dear god I need water.

18. We must be nearly finished by now?

19. FOURTY MINUTES TO GO?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??

20. Sandbags? Isn’t that the thing where the guy gets his things out and um…

21. Oh wait no, it’s quite literally a bag of sand.

22. So. Much. Sand.

23. Look, I can barely squat down to pick up a doughnut I dropped, let alone with 10kgs of sand on my back.

24. But there’s a pretty good-looking fellow bootcamper over there, so I guess I’ll have to try.

25. Damn, that guy IS fit. Look at his arms…

26. Oh shit, he’s looking right at me.

27. Great first impression, sweaty water buffalo.

28. I am strength!!! I am pure power!!!

29. Can’t wait to add fitness to the end of my Instagram name.

30. #fitspo #fitness #model

31. I wonder if anyone will notice if I skim 20 reps off this exercise…

32. Why hasn’t anyone else figured out that they’ll be in less pain if they just cheat?

33. Idiots!

34. Wait, wait it’s for the #gains. And so I don’t look like a tied-up pork roast when I’m naked—do it properly.

35. I immediately regret this decision.

36. Burpees? Well that just sounds disgusting!

37. Oh god, it feels even more disgusting than it sounds.

38. Speaking of sounds, what is that noise coming from my mouth? Keep a lid on it, you sound like you’ve just been hit by a car!

39. I think this might actually be the exercise the devil does to keep in shape.

40. Last exercise you say?

41. Or have I died and gone to a heaven where the exercise stops?

42. No, praise the fitness lords, it’s actually the last exercise.

43. The end is near!

44. And apparently, I have zero core.

45. Is that possible? For someone to have zero core?

46. I thought all those times I half sat up to press play on my laptop would almost count as a crunch.

47. Wait, no, I definitely have a core. And it is on FIRE.

48. I’m pretty sure I can feel abs emerging.

49. I didn’t realise getting a six-pack was so easy?

50. Like, honestly, I can feel them popping through my skin. If I lift my shirt right now I will have abs, I’m sure of it.

51. This must be why people love exercise, because the results are instantaneous.

52. Do I buy protein now? Is that who I am?

53. I AM FITNESS! I AM GLORY!

54. I am finished.

55. Stretch, water, smug look to fellow bootcampers.

56. “Yeah bitches, we did it.”

57. Why is everyone moving away from me? That’s weird, we’re family now!

 

Photo Credit: Bridesmaids

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