If you’re a local, you most definitely know how to spot a tourist. From their overly eager, perky steps to their bum bag—a first-time Gold Coast tourist is a special breed.
So, with the tourists who visit our beautiful Gold Coast in mind, this article is almost completely for comedic purposes, and if you’re a potential tourist heading this way, here’s a few handy what-not-to-do hints for your next visit!
1. They’re clearly identifiable when sporting lobster-red shoulders and wicked tan lines (note: those tan lines don’t disappear quickly, folks).
2. They wear fluro singlets while pack-driving rental scooters down the sidewalk.
3. They don’t realise there are other suburbs on the Gold Coast besides Surfers Paradise. In fact, they think Gold Coast and Surfers Paradise are interchangeable. Um, Rainbow Bay is epic, don’t you know!
4. They drive down busy streets going 20km/hr in their rental car, slowing down even further at every street to squint at the street signs.
5. They’re not seen paddling a SUP on Currumbin or Tallebudgera creeks, because they’re scared as hell they’ll get eaten by a bull shark.
6. They step off the pavement onto the beach and don’t take off their thongs… then proceed to waddle like a duck kicking sand across other sun worshippers.
7. They go on the bungee and slingshot in Surfers AND buy the video.
8. Come 3pm they generally always look exhausted, after a jam-packed day of crossing off every tourist attraction humanly possibly in the daylight hours.
9. They get suckered in by the pub crawl, theme park, or Aquaduck ticket salespeople; ‘cause they were not eye-balling the ground like the locals walking beside them.
10. They go to Sin City ‘cause they saw on a billboard on the way from the airport promoting that it’s the #1 nightclub in Australia, so it must be the best.
11. They’re impressed by our free beach BBQs. #blessed
12. They find any opportunity to use their GoPro or selfie-stick—surfing, skating, walking, sun tanning, sitting.
13. They giggle when they hear Nobbys… hehe nob.
14. They’re drunk at 2pm in the elevator of the Q1 Hotel, and invite you to party—like you’ve never partied until you’ve been to level 14 of the Q1.
15. They’re constantly on the lookout for Metermaids, then when they spot one, they actually pay the $5 to take an uncomfortable and overly awkward photo with them.
16. They take photos with stretch hummers.
17. They take photos under the Surfers Paradise sign.
18. They take photos pretty much everywhere.
19. They try to find Justin Bieber’s graffiti.
20. They visit the big four shopping centres—Pac Fair, Robina, Harbour Town, and Westfield. Even if they’re only in town for the weekend.
21. They’re seen buying takeout coffee from the mobile stall under Burleigh SLSC, when locals know you always go to Nook if beachside. No matter how long the lineup.
22. They’re wandering around one of the many different Robina Shopping Centre car parks doing that long-necked look-around, having obviously lost their rental car.
23. But they’re impressed by the fancy red/green light vacancy system.
24. They sing “I’m in Miami bitch” every time they’re in/near/read the word Miami.
25. They’re on the beach doing a learn-to-surf lesson, rashie, and neck-flap cap included.
26. Either that or they’re getting yelled at and pummeled in the waves attempting to surf Snapper Rocks because… #superbank.
27. They buy the $2 singlets from the discount clothing stores, a mistake no local would ever make knowing they’d barely survive one wash.
28. They are overheard saying “OMG, how good is Dracula’s?!”
29. They make 20+ social media #goldcoast updates per day, including unfiltered and blurry pictures. Ugh. Rookies.
30. They eat at Hard Rock Café.
31. They’re seen in the Pacific Fair car park, driving in circles trying to find the exit. Nah, scrap that. Us locals get freakin’ lost too. WTF?
32. They stop to watch the buskers on Orchid Avenue, to completion.
33. They get drunk and get spontaneous tats at one of Surfers Paradise’s many tattoo parlours (jokes… they absolutely will NOT tattoo drunk clients).
34. They go to the Outback Spectacular and buy a souvenir hat, because Oxenford is basically the red dirt Aussie outback.
35. They are seen entering Miami’s UGG boot factory and leave wearing the pink diamante-studded UGGs, in the middle of summer.
36. They think it’s a cool idea to hire a firetruck with disco lights and thumping music, then proceed to hang out the windows with arms flailing as they holler at passers-by.
38. They try an acai bowl for the first time, and hate it.
39. They think a holiday on the Gold Coast is the ideal time to be as promiscuous and carefree as possible. We love where we live, so stay respectful and keep it classy peeps!