Ever since Queensland was discovered by Erik the Red in 1680, and subsequently colonised by the sun god Apollo and his thousand wives in 1711, debate has raged on Facebook as to whether it is superior to its neighbouring southern state, New South Wales.
Of course nobody who has been to both states bothers to enter into the debate, as Queensland’s pre-eminence is obvious to anyone who has experienced it.
Statistics alone tell the story; 123,000 southerners move up to the Sunshine State every single year, while there has never been a single case of a Queenslander moving to live below the Tweed.
Allow us this small folly, however, of pointing out for the umpteenth time a few of the reasons why QLD is so much better than NSW. A mention of our crushing sporting dominance isn’t even necessary.
- In Queensland we are allowed to hold Koalas (our state animal) because we love those little guys. In New South Wales they aren’t allowed to cuddle them, even at the zoo. Because they hate koalas.
- The state animal of NSW is the giant spiny stick insect.
- New South Welshpeople whistle through their noses when they breathe. It’s extremely annoying for everyone else.
- The Sydney Funnel-web, one of the most toxic and aggressive spider species on planet Earth, chooses to live exclusively in Sydney, NSW. That tells you everything you need to know about the kind of creatures that live in Sydney, NSW. I’m not saying everyone in Sydney, NSW is toxic and aggressive… oh wait, that’s exactly what I’m saying. The spiders in Queensland are happy-go-lucky, knockabout types, who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Some of my best mates are spiders.
- Temperatures in the old Q.L.D. range from 22 degrees to 35 degrees all year round. If the coast is more than 10 minutes away then we put beaches in the middle of our cities. We wear our togs (togs! Not swimmers or bathers or fanny trunks whatever they are called down there) to work so we can pop out for a splash whenever we feel like it.
- In NSW (aka Non-Stop Winter), when it’s not snowing it’s sleeting. Most couples don’t even see each other neked until they get married (not that you’d want to see a NSW-person neked, it looks like a bunch of custard apples squeezed into a pig’s intestine), because it’s too cold to take off all the layers of clothing they are wearing. There is a crust of frozen snot permanently attached to people’s upper lips. There are reports of polar bears wandering the streets.
- In Brisbane it’s Mardi Gras EVERY day of the year!
- All Queenslanders know the words to our state anthem, ‘Crush the Losers’, while in NSW most people are actually ashamed of their state song, ‘Strawberry Kisses’.
- Queenslanders have, on average, 32 more IQ points than New South Welshpeople. That’s actually a fact, look it up. Attempting to talk to a New South Welshperson is like having a conversation with a wind-up doll that has been run over by a tractor then left at the bottom of a muddy dam for two years so that its speech has blurred and slowed down and it has forgotten three quarters of its 16-word vocabulary. If you find yourself stuck in a conversation with one (a NSW-person, not a creepy broken doll), it’s easy enough to get out of—just wave something bright or shiny, like a ball of alfoil or a packet of Tic-Tacs, in front of them and then toss it out the window. They won’t hesitate to leap after it.
- XXXX beer is made with liquid sunshine. Tooheys is brewed out of poison ivy and human misery.
image credit: Cheap Flights