Are you the kind of person that comes up with the perfect response to a stupid question three hours later when singing B*Witched in the shower? Same. Same on so many levels. This handy cheat sheet is here to help you through those times when some jerk questions your perfectly reasonable life choices. Memorise, screenshot, or bookmark it. You’re welcome.
- If Kath and Kim can drink Chardonnay before 3pm, I can too. And no, I haven’t replied to your email.
- Uncle Jeff. Can I call you Uncle Jeff? My jeans may have rips in them, but they’re more covered than your entire scalp, so let’s call it even, yeah?
- FINE, Aunt Beth, this is my third plate of Nan’s pig on a spit, but I do believe that’s your third husband.
- Jarrod. Jarrod. JARROD. I’m not playing hard to get, you’re playing hard to want. Thanks for the vodka soda, though.
- Carol. My new fringe looks fabulous, no matter how hard you laugh. And this is why people talk about you behind your back.
- I would agree with your decision not to get a third bottle of wine, Gladys, but then we’d both be wrong.
- You’re just jealous of my third Disneyland trip this year, Jack. And I’m jealous of the people that don’t know you.
- I can use whatever hashtags I like. You’re just jealous you aren’t as #blessed as I am.
- I think it’s a bit rich you’re judging me for eating a large chips, when that pork is the only thing you’ve pulled in the past six months, Josh.
- Yes, I am still single, Marcia. Yes, I’m happy about it. No, you can’t have a bite of my cheeseburger.
- OF COURSE I got your email, Susan. I chose to ignore it. Just like you chose to ignore the mirror today.
- Still watching Netflix all day? Why yes Celine I am. Still watching your weight?
- I won’t be having any children. My family saved the best for last.
- I may not have any savings, but you don’t have any hair, Uncle Pete.
- Oh, sorry. Did I offend you with my opinion? That was nothing, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
- Yep, I’m vegetarian. My rule is: if it has an asshole, don’t eat it.
- I’m not married because the world is full of people like you.
- I’d love to have a house, Dad, but you did such a good job on the economy that I’ll have to wait a little longer.
- Yup, I did wait an extra 10 minutes for my 20 nuggets thanks. No, I won’t be giving you a 5-star rating.
- I’d tell you to go f*ck yourself, but you’d be disappointed.
Now that you've proven you make good life decisions, why not show them how you can live your best life without breaking the bank
Image credit: Rebekah Howell