This Is What These Brisbane Landmarks Would Be Like If They Were People

By Catherine Blake
20th Jun 2018


The rule against judging a book by its cover applies to pretty much everything except local landmarks. When it comes to the skyline, you can be as judgemental as you want, and our skyline is populated by a weird bunch of whackers:

Story Bridge

Constantly getting mistaken for the 1906 Under-Secretary for the Department of Education, this steely kid always tries to walk home after a night out and considers Townsville as the ultimate holiday destination. In school, she made a bad habit of getting suspended for bringing illegal fireworks to school.

The Brown Snake

Best known for playing bass in a Powderfinger tribute band, this slippery character is mostly harmless despite being a bit cold and standoffish. Given his current standard of hygiene, the fact that he’s still alive is considered a medical mystery.

The Sky Needle

This cat won’t be found expressing an opinion much before 2pm and almost exclusively drinks matcha lattes brewed on Peppermint Baileys. A big proponent of living for the moment, he throws a hectic house party every six weeks and wears sunglasses indoors. But don’t let the neon pocket square fool you, he’s actually a real wallflower.

City Hall

Your typical Leo rising, this born and bred city gal is never clocked further than a stone’s throw from the centre of the action. Her favourite trivia topic is Italian Renaissance architecture and when she’s not painstakingly restoring antique sculpture, you can find her tucking into a pot roast and re-reading her favourite Hemingway novel.

Wheel of Brisbane

A big fan of all things British, this Anglophile has beef with everyone who voted for Australia to become a republic in the 1999 referendum. She often finds it hard to remember that period dramas are often fictional, and recently found herself in hot water when she was caught chucking a sickie on the day of the royal wedding to prepare Harry and Meghan bunting for her viewing party.

Kangaroo Point Cliffs

A corporate social climber by day, his weekends are spent at paintball where nothing irritates him more than a flock of amateurs holding the team back. Though he’s never lived outside the city limits, he fancies himself as a regular Bear Grylls and once spent a month eating nothing but Clif Bars. Back in ’06 he tried to order a long black on soy and has never lived it down.

Suncorp Stadium

This poor bastard always seems to be on shaky ground with the missus ever since he lost his car bidding on a jersey signed by Darren Lockyer. For all his bravado, he’s most commonly found in a fancy café ordering lattes and flipping through the most recent copy of Gardening Australia for tips on how to churn out a cracking herb garden.

Hungry Jack’s Queen Street Mall

He coined his own nickname in grade three and did such a good job of rebranding that nobody actually remembers what his real name is. An affable butterfly, he has over 2000 friends on Facebook but only speaks to five of them. If you run into his mum she’ll tell you all about how good he is at getting stickers on his chore chart and then ask if your daughter is single.  

Kurilpa Bridge

To their friends, this artistic beast starts out as an exciting spark in the social agenda, until her habit sneaking Foucault into every conversation wears thin. She tends to throw a lot of violent chat at cyclists, despite voting for the Greens, and considers Yoko Ono to be the more talented member of John and Yoko. 

The Gabba

A fan of perfect weather and all-white outfits, this sports enthusiast keeps her finger on the pulse of all major tests and series with the keen-eyed devotion of a true fanatic. Despite a taste for incredibly cheap beer, she can’t face the day without a cup of single origin, and harbours some unresolved hostility towards ducks.

Toowong Cemetery

A turbulent soul, her musical taste never developed beyond the angsty rhythms of My Chemical Romance. On Saturday nights, this dingbat can be found lighting up in the smoking area at Ric’s despite maintaining that she’d never touch the lung rockets. Her application to clown college is currently pending approval.

XXXX Factory

This foxy redhead always manages to wrangle an invite to every family gathering in the city. A hard worker, her day job has completely eclipsed her side-hustle in beat-boxing, and she’s followed everywhere by the faint smell of toasted cereal. In the movie of her life she sees herself being played by Margot Robbie.

The Kookaburra Queen

A snappy dresser with the best connections, this sultry social butterfly has been the reigning monarch of the social scene since 1986 and is literally always up for kick-ons. In remarkably good nick, she owes her longevity to an exclusive diet of finger sandwiches and gin.

In case you were dying to know, we’ll tell you what car you drive by which Brisbane suburb you live in.

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