Horoscopes | Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

We’ve got our crystal ball out again this week, and what we’ve seen for some of you isn’t pretty. But if you’re reading this, then you asked for it. #Sorrynotsorry.

Without further ado, here are the teeth-clenching predictions of your week ahead. Run and hide, people. 

Aquarius

There’s no nice way to say this, Aquarius. You’ve been a little brat lately, and we think you know it. It’s time to buy your mum a bunch of flowers and your significant other a drink (or 10) for putting up with you.

Pisces

It’s time to delete Bumble, little Pisces. The love of your life isn’t going to come from a tap on your screen. Quit ordering your men like pizzas and try to meet someone the old-fashion way. You know, in person. With real-life conversation. It may work out better for you.

Aries

Honey. Those bags aren’t Gucci. Either you need 80 hours sleep or some serious YSL concealer under those eyes. Take a chill pill. Your to-do list may be large right now but your persistent attitude and ability to show initiative in the hardest times will always shine through. Lights out early this week, please.

Taurus

Snaps for you, Taurus. You’re killing the game lately, and we see more good things on your horizon. Positivity is the greatest medicine, and you seem to be taking heaps of that lately. Keep it going, champ.

Gemini

It’s true what they say, Gems, all good things come to an end. But take it in your stride. Whether it’s the ending of a relationship or saying goodbye to a workplace, everything happens for a reason. 

Cancer

Ah, Cancer. You’ve been through a lot, but things have finally fallen into place for you. Well done. Your sh*t is well and truly together. Keep kicking those goals and keep your head down. 

Leo

Everyone hates arrogance, Leo. You're smart, creative and beautiful, true. But you will start to rub people the wrong way if you continue to act like you’re better than them. As the wise Kendrick Lamar once told us: Sit down, be humble (bi*ch).

Virgo

Virgo. Watching The Kardashians is not going to help you study for that test (Shock-horror!). Quit binge-watching Kourtney eating a salad and Kim taking selfies and start focussing on your grades.

Libra

There’s not much in our crystal ball for you Libra, other than you really need to bite the bullet and get your car serviced. We know you’re poor, but we can hear that tut tut tut from our office.

Scorpio

Abort your self-destruction mission, Scorpio! We know that you can’t help but sweat the small stuff, but it’s time for you to learn that if you over-think everything, you will never find peace. And god damn, you need peace! Chuck on some Miguel and have a dance around your room. Life’s too short to be a worry wart.

Sagittarius

You’re a smart cookie, Sag, we’re certain of that. But you’re making some dumb as hell decisions lately and we can’t sit back and watch anymore. It’s time to cut the cord. You know what we’re talking about.

Capricorn

You’re a sweet soul, Cap, too sweet for your own good. Please remember that it’s okay to remove yourself from people who take your kindness for granted. And that it is just as important to direct your kindness towards yourself.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist