Damn team. Back at it again with the insanely accurate and terrifying horoscopes. That’s what you were thinking, right? Good. Because we’ve been working hard to help you out this week, and you’ll be happy to know you can read without fear. Maybe...
Here’s what you’re in for this week, guys.
You have a very practical soul, Aquarius. This comes in handy, but there's no logic in emotion. This week we want you to be mindful that sometimes how you feel will be out of your hands. Stop trying to make sense of everything and just go with the flow.
It’s nice to see that your sh*t is a bit more together this week, Pisces. You've painted a smile back on your sour-puss face, and you’re starting to talk about stuff that has nothing to do with work. Wowza! Snaps for you. Keep this up, please. And for God’s sake stop bringing your laptop to the dinner table.
You and your big mouth could get you into quite a bit of trouble this week, Aries. We understand that sometimes you just can’t help but blabber on about things that you shouldn’t, but you need to read the room. This week, we strongly advise you to think before you speak. Or just sew your mouth shut.
Just a weekly reminder to let you know that you’re beautiful, Taurus. Stop worrying about the clothes you’re wearing and the makeup (or lack-there-of) on your face. You rock. Have a great one.
Your sense of humour is what’s gonna get you through this week, Gem. We see a lot of sh*t being thrown your way, but how you handle it will determine whether it’s a good week...or a shocker. Sometimes it’s better to laugh than cry.
It looks like you’ve finally started to chill, Cancer. Good for you—you wear relaxation well. What you don’t wear well is that 10-year-old jumper you’ve pulled out from the back of your cupboard. It smells like dust and it doesn’t remotely fit you. Ditch that, please.
Did you know that you only have one set of adult teeth, Leo? You ruin those pearly whites and you’ll have one large and painful dental visit (and we’re not just talking about the cost). This is your weekly reminder to brush your god damn teeth. The only thing worse than bad breath is yellow teeth, and you have both.
If you really want to make something happen, Virgo, you’ve got to get your hands dirty. We’re sick of watching you wish on stars and stay up till 11:11 instead of showing any real ambition. Looking for a job? Apply EVERYWHERE. Looking for a man? You won’t find him if you’re tucked up in bed at 9pm on a Friday night. Get yourself out there this week.
PSA, Libra. If something or someone is making you unhappy, you have every right to walk away. Don’t keep yourself in a situation that is wearing and tearing you down. Walk away and tell them (or whatever it may be) to get rekt, period. You’ll feel like a new person.
We think it’s time you got out there and did something for yourself, Scorps. You’re always looking after other people, listening to their problems (which tbh aren’t really problems) and giving the best advice. It’s a really nice way to be, but it’s starting to get a bit much. If people aren’t reciprocating and you’re feeling a little frustrated, take a step back this week.
The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, Sag. Stop focussing on what you don’t have and start looking at what you do have. We’re sick of all the complaining. Life is good to you, right?
For someone so smart, you’ve been making some dumb as hell decisions lately, Cap. Excuse the bluntness, but someone has to get you into line, and it’s better coming from us. If you’re unsure of something, ask questions. Before you send an email, read over it. Screw your head back on this week and get into focus.
Image credit: Sarah Law