Basically the last two and a half weeks have been spent witnessing an MA-rated social experiment gone wrong on the impacts of fake tan in the brain, and yet somehow we’ve reached the proverbial Love Island hump day of week three without killing anyone. Just the professional aspirations of an entire generation of Australia’s youth.
Here are 29 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode picks up where it left off post-recoupling and Cassidy’s already photoshopped pictures of her and Josh on a fake holiday to the French Alps and popped them in frames on their bedside tables.
- All of a sudden, it’s morning and Justin’s warning everyone of Schnauzer-sized butterflies attacking hot people in the backyard.
- We’re then treated to some strange footage of Josh adjusting his goolies in the bathroom because I guess we need an ‘incentive’ not to turn the TV off and bang our heads against the wall.
- Cassidy then sends Erin to meet Josh behind the art room to arrange a snog later during recess.
- While this is all going down, Jaxon is over on the loveseat bragging about the intricate weaving of Mac’s back moles.
- Meanwhile, Mac warns the girls that she’s scared she’ll accidentally suffocate to death under the weight of Jaxon’s massive forearms because he won’t stop stroking her oesophagus while she sleeps.
- She’s also absolutely repulsed by his lack of bloody height.
- Eden and Josh then throw together their own version of Girl TV and start offering the ladies severely flawed love advice.
- Which is deeply concerning as one of them reckons the moon landing was filmed out the back of Bunnings on a Motorola Razor.
- Jaxon then gets a text telling everyone to meet on the footy oval to ‘kick some goals and fill some holes’, which is either code for patching divots or making a very low budget adult film.
- It turns out to be a combination of the two with the premise of the challenge being that everyone kisses everyone and everything, collectively toeing the line of what is appropriate 8:30pm viewing.
- The next ten minutes goes as follows: Cass mashes mouths with Josh, Erin tickles Eden’s gut with her tongue, Franswahz slobbers on Grant’s neck, Mac licks Jaxon’s ear, Tayla gets a mouthful of Grant’s thigh hair, Eden motorboats Erin’s chest, Elias sucks on Franswahz’ lobes, Jaxon tongue-fondles Franswahz’ tum, Josh and Franswahz lock face flaps, and Justin plants one on Millie’s baby-birther.
- To shake things up a bit, the producers then release another male into the house who’s 6’5”, perpetually single and hopefully another ‘massive misogynist’.
- Straight off the bat, Dom starts ranking girls on the width of their hips, so here’s hoping the next public vote will decide who has to sit through a vigorous workshop on the history of entrenched gender inequality in the western world.
- The boys arrive back at the villa and can’t be stuffed asking the girls ‘how they did their hair like that’ and head straight to the balcony for some lukewarm beers.
- Jaxon is immediately threatened by 6’100” Dom who is basically one ‘ f*ck she’s hot’ away from being unemployable for the rest of his adult life.
- Word quickly gets around that Dom’s ‘bedded a sh*t tonne of blonde birds’ which sends Josh into a stress-induced epiphany that Cass is the love of his life and definitely worth spreading a rumour that Dom has a UTI.
- Dom is clearly here to dick around and burn some annual leave, but Millie and Franswahz are convinced he’s either the secret millionaire or the undercover boss.
- Quite frankly they’ve both ingested enough eyeshadow and chlorine to strip a 100-kilo man of his motor skills, so they’re lucky to be thinking at all.
- Millie then immediately declares World War II on Franny who’s sucking on a gobstopper and playing a few rounds of solitaire in the shade while her cob loaf cooks.
- Every time the camera cuts to Dom, he’s audibly critiquing the physical attributes of various women based on shallow standards set by a patriarchal society. And those bloody footless Bratz dolls.
- Dom then spreads a rumour that Jax’s family money comes from puppy farming, simply because he won’t throw the Vortex with him.
- Meanwhile, Mac has done some pretty complex equations and deduced that Dom is the man for her because apparently being reduced to a bra size and eye colour is the best thing for her right now.
- They then all play a bizarre role-playing game to stir up some sh*t among the housemates because Dom referring to the girls like second-hand cars apparently isn’t enough to ruffle a few feathers in this villa of feminist warriors.
- Dom then takes Franswahz aside to tell her he’d ‘do her’.
- He then grabs Millie and tells her he’d ‘do her more, don’t tell Frangipani’.
- Josh then has another mini-crisis that Cassidy might be falling from his tiny rat claws and into the arms of a more reasonably sized man.
- Meanwhile, Cassidy’s torching her family ski trip photos and quickly cropping Dom’s mug into an African safari panorama.
- Please excuse me while I nip off to my local Australian Electoral Commission office and surrender by right to vote.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now