Previously on the Isle of Snakes, sh*t literally went down and broke the Love Island app for a hot second while Australia was left reeling from Cassidy’s salty AF decision to metaphorically crotch punch Grant after he started spreading fibs about her in the holiday villa. Basically everyone in the house is as mad as a cut snake after watching #girlcode crumble, except Jaxon who’s humping Millie’s leg and shouting about his beard.
Here are 31 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- I mean effing hell, what in Baby Jesus’ sweet name did the producers do to land this absolute pearler of a plot line?? Jodi Picoult couldn’t have written a saucier twist even in her bloody prime.
- Unsurprisingly, this episode is picking up right where it left off—with Tayla trying to shank Cassidy with a kebab skewer and Grant trying to give a name to those angry heart hurts you get when you want to push someone under a semi trailer and leave them on the road to die.
- Erin takes Cassidy over to the love seat to hammer out a believable alibi for the absolute massacre Cass has just done to Tayla and Grant’s relationship.
- Unbeknownst to the salty couple, Cass’ decision to recouple with Grant literally changes sh*t all, but their brains are so scrambled from sun stroke and lack of exposure to real world issues that this is literally the end of the world for them.
- The couple decide that neither of them will sleep in the communal fondle room if they can’t share a bed, so they pull together a makeshift futon on the deck.
- Their backs will be riddled with lifelong posture damage, but their pride is in full health, which is a shit consolation prize, but not as shit as having to actually be in a relationship with Grant.
- Cass, Millie and Tayla then slag each other off in the bathroom for a solid halfa because #girlcode is officially O-V-A-H.
- Then Erin asks the question on all of our lips: “are we all just going to be dogs today then?”.
- Dom then gets a text telling the couples to get ready for another crippling display of sexuallised recreational pleasure.
- Tayla and Grant are bloody ropable that him and Cass have to do sex yoga together.
- Meanwhile, she can’t wait to pat Grant’s downward dog with her sweaty sun salute.
- After a series of footage that would get you killed in North Korea just for watching it, Josh’s soothing words inspire the group to patch the divide and resume sharing curling wands again.
- Meanwhile, Tayla is quietly wishing ADHD on Cass’ first born child.
- Jaxon then gets a text congratulating him on winning a blind date with a random Sheila that’ll probably take one look at his hair colour and drop him then and there.
- Josh then gets the same text, sending the remaining single girls into a nervous tizzy that their annual leave might be wrapping up.
- Josh and Jaxon then chat about how excited they are for their date while exfoliating each other’s T-zones in the shower.
- Tayla then demands Jaxon blowdry his bloody hair and put some sunscreen on his mug before he goes out into that harsh Spanish sun and cooks his face more than he already has.
- Outside Dom then tells Eden that if the two incoming girls aren’t hot, he’ll have a crack at Millie tonight.
- Jaxon and Josh then await their dates on the beach, fully clothed, and watch with a pair of winking finger guns as they rock up in crotchless undies and a thin layer of fish netting, because welcome to 2018.
- After a few probing questions about their career and vaccination history, Josh invites the girls to join him and Jaxon for a Bubble’O Bill and a walk along the boulevard, strictly no shoes for the girl though.
- Back at the villa, Eden tells Erin that no matter how f*ckable the new girls are, he’ll barely ogle their racks, because he reckons she’s an alright piece of crumpet herself.
- For some reason, Eden then invites Teddy for a yarn on the grassy knoll to clear the air.
- Josh and Jaxon then arrive home with their naked slaves, who’ve both been given the gift of high heels for the duration of the gravel driveway.
- Jaxon will not shut up about Shelby’s affinity for skydiving, Harleys and guys in leathers.
- Josh, meanwhile, is over on the loveseat telling Dom how much of a crack he’s going to give Amelia later, which is technically the height of romance in a villa of half a dozen men who’ve accidentally had ‘misogynist’ on their Tinder profiles for the last eighteen months.
- Over in the bedroom, Grant tells Teddy that the key to ‘bagging a bird is having a long hard crack and asking her sh*t about her life and job and things and stuff’.
- They then get a text telling them to refresh their barnyard stomp, because they’re about to bear witness to the loosest alcohol-free hoedown they’ve ever cut shapes at.
- Six minutes in, someone dares Josh to snog Amelia, then someone dares Amelia to snog Josh, and then Mac dares Teddy to jump in the pool with his kit on.
- As usual, Jaxon can barely get through a conversation without bringing up his facial hair, preferred mode of transport and selfless profession (did we mention he works with children with disabilities?).
- Over on the love seat, Josh and Amelia are having a DnM about the types of horn bags they typically ‘slay on the town’.
- And Teddy is confessing to Grant that ‘phwoar Amelia has some good banter and an even better rig’, which I assume is laying some groundwork for a chilling clash of testosterone next episode.
- I can’t bloody wait.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now