With all the Bachelor ads on telly at the moment, SURELY this clusterf*ck of a free-to-air dating show is on its last legs. Regardless, the chlorine-soaked melanomas on legs are breathing their last breaths in the villa and yet there are still half a dozen hearts yet to break. Here’s hoping Dom calls one of the girls fat again and absolutely screws the pooch.
Here are 33 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode resumes with Erin gushing over Eden’s fully siq love gesture and counting down the days until the two of them can divorce their own children and retire to small dairy farm on the outskirts of Byron Bay.
- Over on the grassy knoll, Teddy is explaining to Jaxon that the reason he can’t land a bird is because he’s got the sex appeal of a urine-soaked towel lodged in a four-slice toaster.
- Shelby then chews Tayla’s ear off about Jaxon’s inability to retain a single shred of information or accurately respond to social cues including ‘get your ugly gorilla hands off my bum, I’m sleeping ya mole’.
- Grant then finds a cat over in the bushes, puts it in a fruit bowl and gifts it to Tayla as a four-week anniversary present.
- While Grant voices his concern about his diminishing lineage to Teddy and confesses that he’d dump and/or murder Tayla if she didn’t take his last name. WHICH IS CRAPP.
- Over on the balcony, Millie’s having a teary because all the boys in the villa are f*cking muppets and all she wants to do is slag ‘em off with her mum over a couple of chardys.
- Grant tells her that if she puts her hair up ‘in wunna them high horse tail things, maybe someone will wanna root cha’.
- Over in the Sex Dungeon of Love, Josh is drawing the moon landing on Amelia’s chest in red lippy and singing the final song medley from Shrek.
- Then all of a sudden it’s morning and everyone’s fluffing about burning toast and doing erotic yoga.
- Eden then threatens Erin to maintain an immaculate set of teeth, in sickness and in health, or get the f*ck out of his bed, pants and life.
- Over on the deck chairs, Millie tells Teddy that if he calls her ‘Mil’ one more time, she’s going to crotch punch him.
- In the bathroom, everyone’s taking bets on whether Josh brought his al dente noodle to Amelia’s spaghetti house and made a creamy carbonara.
- Eventually the young lovers arise from the dungeon and both respectively seek out their posses to talk about manly things and YouTube hair tutorials.
- Amelia’s a wee bit stressed that she’s not the type of girl Josh would feel up in an Uber.
- However, she then gets a text telling the girls to grab their cleanest togs, because they’re heading to the spa for a ritzy day of pampering while the boys stay home and bang nails in sticks.
- At what looks like the balcony of one of the producer’s holiday apartments, the cameraman throws a cheeky Valencia filter over the camera and tells the girls to slowly massage sunscreen into their temples while biting their lips.
- Mid-facial, Erin gets a text announcing that two new fellas will be entering the villa, ideally as arm candy for Millie and Mac who right now are closer to solving global warming than they are to finding love.
- Millie’s interested until Erin reveals that one of them is tertiary educated and owns his own house, which is apparently a massive red flag for girls who are turned on by sizeable overdrafts and a deafness to global issues.
- Back at the villa, in lieu of the girls making lunch for them, the boys have set up their own obstacle course to kill time.
- Over at the spa, Tayla gets a text demanding that the girls choose one fella to boot from the island toot sweet A$AP Rocky right now pleaseandthankyou.
- Straight off the bat, Shelby throws Jaxon under the bus for lying about his puppy farm.
- Whereas Erin, who apparently misinterprets the text, wants to see Teddy get the electric chair because he tried to pull the moves on her three weeks ago.
- After some gossip and hair braiding, the girls arrive home and announce that the producers gave them permission ‘to give wunna youse the flick’.
- After a fifteen-minute interpretive dance presentation, Tayla tells Jaxon to pack his bags and get the hell off the island because he’s a dud root and everyone knows it.
- Jaxon has a quick teary on Teddy’s shoulder before miming a throat cut at Shelby and kissing Grant on the mouth before sliming off to pack his sleeveless tees.
- After a few parting words to the villa, and a quick shout out to the ‘intellectually and physically handicapped children whose lives I touch everyday’, Back Tatt Jax is outta there.
- It’s 9:32pm and for some reason, this sh*tshow is now eating into my pre-sleep toasted sandwich time and I’m not happy about it.
- Over on the grassy knoll, Teddy tells Grant that he’s going to refocus his energies and have a crack at Shelby while the Jax-shaped wound’s still fresh and her confidence is through the floor.
- Meanwhile the door has barely closed behind Jaxon before Dom has dragged Shelby over to the loveseat to talk about colours, TV shows and avocado varieties.
- Amelia then gets a text telling the group to get ready for ‘karma sutra yoga’, which explains why the show’s running past 9:30.
- The whole thing's basically an excuse to sniff each other’s crotches for fifteen minutes in good lighting.
- And with that, we bid farewell to the villa’s resident ‘massive misogynist’ and [hopefully] close the door on all dry humping challenges now and forever amen.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now