The discrimination is relentless. Sometimes, I imagine this is how the North Koreans feel with the entire world ganging up on them. At least they are being picked on for a reason, you know, the whole firing off missiles with the nonchalance of a uni student flicking a frisbee through the air at Camperdown Park on a Sunday Arvo.
But us Shire Folk have done nothing wrong, except be born in Sutherland Hospital and live in a far superior region of Sydney. That’s it! Just because our beaches make Manly look like a children’s sandpit by a bacteria-ridden swamp, doesn’t mean you can call us every name under the Southern Cross, mate. And just because the Royal National Park makes Kuringai National Park look like an asbestos dumping ground, doesn’t mean you can call us hobbits, rednecks and inbreds.
Actually, for the bloody record, here are a swag of other things you (yes, you) should NEVER say to someone from The Shire.
- Any money there’s a Southern Cross tattoo somewhere on that sunburnt body?
- Cronulla is like a povo version of Manly isn’t it?
- Sooooo, I’m guessing that your Mum's a hairdresser named Donna and your Dad is a bricklayer named Keith, or Darren, or Wade, right?
- Isn’t it weird when you date someone, and you know at least twenty other people who have been with them? You lot really stick together don’t you?
- We all know the real reason The Cronulla Sharks won the comp.
- “Ohh you’re from the shire? You must know my mate Matt.” Warranted response: No, you pissant, hundreds of thousands of people live here. I don’t know your mate Matt. You don’t have any mates.
- Is it true 90% of One Nation’s supporter base live in the Shire?
- Read in the voice of one of the contestants from the Bachelor: “I honestly just knew you were from the Shire! I can tell by the way you dress. That dress is sahhhh cute! A little last Summer, but yeah, it suits you. It’s sahhhhh funny, you must just get the trends a little later.”
- So, what was your role in the riots? Did you carry a pitchfork or just lob beer cans from a distance?
- Are you lot all f*cked up because of the Nuclear Reactor at Lucas Heights? Is that why you’re all a bit, you know, special?
- Why do you hate Lebanese people so much?
- Why do you hate Asians so much?
- Read in the voice of massive nerd from Leichardt wearing a black skivvy: “You guys don’t really have many multicultural restaurants down there, do you?”—Alphabet St. (Arguably best Thai in Sydney), Giro Osteria (Better pasta than ya Nonna’s), and Yalla Sawa, that’s right, a Lebanese restaurant.
Ed note: Before all the Shire faithful start a riot over this list, and the Eastern Suburbs toffs and Northern Beaches dandy’s laugh to death while feasting on miniature sandwiches at their high teas, know this—I was born in Sutherland Hospital, I have an Aussie coat of arms (not a Southern Cross) tattooed on my back, I love people from all cultures, and the Sharkies will win another premiership in my lifetime, and when they do it’s your shout down at Northies. Yiewwwwwwww!
For matter of fact, The Shire even boasts some pretty incred brekky spots you should check out.