Sweet mother of crap it is hot out there. Is anyone else sweating like a leek in a frypan? It’s too damn hot to function properly. And when Sydney hits anything over 33 degrees, people tend to go a liiittle crazy. But what are we supposed to do when even the chocolate in our desk drawer is practically Dairy Milk soup?
Here are 26 things to do in Sydney when it’s too damn hot to peel yourself off your chair and do anything serious.
- Lick your finger, touch the wall, and make the tssss noise. Then look around to see who is laughing. No-one? Try again.
- Stand outside your favourite cafe, clutching your stomach, and repeatedly proclaim that “milk was a bad choice”.
- Put ice cubes in your bra. Even if you’re a dude. Ask your colleague to film your face in slow motion.
- Go to the gym, sweat it out, post a pic to Instagram and openly proclaim #noexcuses. Then wonder why no-one likes you.
- Go to SkyZone and set off the fire alarm. Trampoline + roof sprinklers = helluva time.
- Take a photo of everyone swimming at the beach and caption it ‘human soup’. Then check every 30 seconds for how many people think you’re funny.
- Blast Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’ from your bedroom/lounge/desk all day long. Pretend to take your clothes off, but then don’t, and laugh every time your colleagues realise. Repeat.
- Use your sunnies to burn a hole in your foot, then go home for the day and sit in a cool bath eating Zooper Doopers.
- Start working on your own recipe for the return of potato smiles. Frozen, obviously.
- Crank the air con, charge your phone battery, and spend your day campaigning radio stations to play Shannon Noll. Drive, preferably.
- Hide in the bushes at a car wash café, steal that huge hose thing when they’re not looking and cool yourself.
- Look outside. Are there crows? Are they flamin’? Stone ‘em.
- Attempt skinning a watermelon because you literally have nothing better to do… #thingsthatlooklikedicks.
- Try all 35 Gelato Messina flavours.
- Sit in the sun and write a letter to your ex, outlining everywhere you went wrong in intense detail, sweat dripping all over the ink like tears.
- Set your hairdryer to the ‘cool’ setting and cool down your nether regions. Make this face.
- Bake a croquembouche on the roof of your car. Or the pavement, or your dashboard. Or anywhere else that people suggest cooking an egg on in hot weather.
- Start a gang with your mates and brand each other with the silver bit of your seatbelts as initiation.
- Put your undies in the freezer before going out. Walk around with the smirk emoji look on your face.
- Wear trackies, sweat profusely, turn around, bend over, ask someone what shape your ass sweat patch makes. Psychoanalyse them from their response.
- If you’re an Uber driver, add travel sized deodorants to your offering of gum and water bottles. It’s the right thing to do.
- Record the sound your legs make when you peel them off your sweaty leather work chair. Get in touch with Joel Turner to see if he’ll beatbox along with it.
- Make friends with a pelican, and convince him to hang around your desk and fan you with his wings in exchange for some tuna you bought but never ate.
- Put your pillow in the freezer. Not only will BOTH sides be cold, you’ll fall asleep with the gentle scent of chicken stock surrounding you.
- Find your nearest fountain, strip off, and go for a dip. I highly recommend the sweet-smelling, oversized sprinkler at Taylor Square. Might even get a few pigeons to use as rubber duckies.
- Have you seriously tried all of these and you’re still hot? Maybe try going for a swim in a pool or something, I can’t help you.
Image credit: Pop-up Waterpark