Welcome to another seventy minutes of every dermatologist’s dream. Love is ~organically~ blossoming for a whopping one couple, while another has put in some solid groundwork for a visa extension and a third is trying to adopt 27 local children who already have parents. Meanwhile, Jarrod’s been double-dog-daring the UV rays to lower his life expectancy to forty-five.
Here are 24 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- The episode opens with everyone slowly figuring out that American Jared is the only piece of meat left in this bespoke butchery, and now Elora and Flo have to decide whether to quit veganism or die alone.
- Elora confides in Megan that she’s a self-diagnosed loose unit but that she’s feeling very grounded in paradise. She then discloses her 13-step plan to steal Apollo from Simone while she’s in the loo.
- Little Hercules has had an epiphany halfway through his brekkie rockmelon that although Rachael’s appearance doesn’t make his eyes bleed, he HATES her personality.
- Osh then appears and announces that boys rule and girls drool, and it’s for this reason that he’s transferring the power to the fellas as at the next rose ceremony.
- Everyone pulls out their portable whiteboards and transposes some elaborate equation to figure out how many girls are leaving paradise tonight if there’s ONE less girl than there is guy.
- Meanwhile, Elora’s up to step 4 in her plan which involves setting fire to a pair of sticks on the beach to draw Apollo over to her.
- Over at the bar, Flo’s forcing herself to develop the hots for Jared, but he keeps accidentally calling her a cow which is making things tricky.
- Elora challenges Apollo to a fire duel because she finished her Paulina Symmons novel and Jarrod’s still got her mum’s copy of The Notebook.
- Simone’s spitting chips because she left her fire twirlers at home and she would have brought her juggling chainsaws if they weren’t confiscated at the airport.
- Once the flaming mating ritual is over, Elora then exfoliates his face with a Wettex and some JIF because she may be a ripper fire twirler but she’s a rubbish dermatologist.
- Simone then takes Apollo aside to tell him that he’s a double-crossing flamethrower with a wandering eye who should have set fire to Elora the moment she brought out the matches.
- Meanwhile, Flo’s bathed herself in whatever capsicum body wash Jarrod seems to be using.
- The rose ceremony kicks off and Osher beatboxes the 60 Minutes intro to fill in some time before inviting Grant up to snog Ali in front of everyone.
- It’s Jarrod’s turn to give his Love Rose to Krazy Keira who’s still quietly having doubts that she’s formed an alliance with the wrong islander and is considering playing her immunity idol after the last rose.
- Uncle Sam uses his four seconds of air time to make a spectacle of Tara’s shoes.
- Little Hercules then begrudgingly chooses Whats-Her-Face because he still has a couple of days left on his travel visa and he wants to make the most of the free-flowing UDLs.
- American Jared then makes an impassioned speech about how he doesn’t think any of the chicks on the island are hot enough, and that instead he’ll just go and pick up some bird at Muffin Break in the airport on his way home.
- Apollo then steps up to flex his guns for a bit before flinging a rose at Simone and mouthing ‘smell ya later’ at Elora who breathes fire on a nearby hammock and storms out on a paper mache dragon.
- Elora and Flo then rack off back to their ‘accounting coordinator’ day jobs and start drafting anonymous haikus on Tumblr in the ‘Fuber’ home.
- Apollo pulls Simone aside and breaks up with her so nicely that she doesn’t even notice.
- She then makes a counteroffer that they elope together and grab Zinger Boxes on the way home, to which Apollo cuts his losses and hotwires the nearest Nissan X-trail.
- Osh then swans in and tells everyone that if they don’t pash each other until a cameraman vomits, they have to GTFO the island.
- Little Hercules dumps Rachael on the spot because he heard from American Jared that she has nits.
- Australia remains on the edge of their seats until tomorrow night when Jarrod’s skin officially turns inside out and Ali finds a split end.
Image credit: TenPlay