Funny

The Bachelor Episode 3 | Power Rankings

By Millie Lester - 03 Aug 2017

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Episode three was a romanticised nod to historical adultery and the objectification of women for their rich reproductive currency. While forty minutes were basically spent road testing twelve women’s capacities for handling supermarket tantrums, under the guise of a primary school inspired athletics carnival, Matty the Jth narrowed down his fertility field to a measly eighteen wombs, while one set of ovaries bit the metaphorical 16th-century dust.

Accessories designer, Tall Georgia Love, bagged herself the episode’s one and only single date and spent ninety per cent of it saying the word ‘boat’. While her premature invitation to an Indian scooter pilgrimage was met with crickets, her willingness to be painted ‘like one of Matty’s nineteen girlfriends’ secured her the season’s first smooch in return for a rose and several minutes of eye contact from Matty who is obviously no stranger to Stockholm’s Syndrome.

Lisa, who’s currently putting on a Gold Logie-worthy performance of pretending she’s not already betrothed to Matty and in her third round of IVF, relished yet another opportunity to showcase her physical agility. The producers have clearly told Matty to play it cool and at least pretend he doesn’t have her frozen eggs in his Bachelor Pad freezer, but the pressure of keeping their love a secret is causing Lisa to sweat profusely on her ‘neck, back and crack’.

Exchange Student Lara Croft has so far displayed the most on-screen physical chemistry with Matty, although the revelation that Laura was invited to the FRONT of the boat in last night’s episode left her feeling visibly betrayed. To add salt to the wound, she was given the second last rose in the impromptu rose ceremony last night, but it’s almost definitely a ploy from the producers to prove the show can still retain its drama factor without forty minutes of Jen’s slanderous monologues.

After her helium was confiscated twenty minutes into the first cocktail party, Cobie has struggled to maintain Matty’s attention, although her selfless gestures and warm disposition with the other wombs, coupled with her strong resemblance to Georgia Love and refined pig snatching skills, indicate that Matty will eventually sniff out her aptitude for motherhood and she’ll be a late front runner.

In house body painter, Alix, is yet to reveal any baggage or closet skeletons that suggest she’s anything less than a nice girl with a pretty womb. Her fancy footwork and can-conceive do attitude secured her the group date rose last night and viewer sentiment suggests that she could make it as far as top five if she stifles any dream of a childless marriage for at least six weeks.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of Michelle’s ever declining fertility window. While she was first out of the blocks in episode one, this police womb has been progressively fading in both obscurity and Matty’s heart with every twenty-three year old that gets taken out on Matty’s date yacht. Time is ticking for Michelle unless she mentions being ‘one of those adults who always sits on the kids’ table at Christmas’ soon.

Tara was back at the caravan no doubt doing fertility stretches and practicing child discipline techniques for the entire episode. She remains at a promising seventh position because according to Matty, her family has ‘no history of haemophilia or other hereditary illnesses’.

Jen was sans invitation for the group date last night which meant it went from Degrassi: The Mole Generation to a 1990s episode of Playschool in a matter of minutes. After revelling in the idea of Simone and Leah being on the same group date, she probably spent the afternoon on ratemyteachers.com tearing strips of her year nine humanities teacher. We all know Putrid Jen is a bad egg but she’ll be forced to stick around to keep the ratings up.

Exchange Student Flo was also locked in the caravan this episode, probably practicing her conversational English and acclimatising her palate to lamingtons. She remains a strong contender as she is not a paid actress.

Elise’s prowess on the soccer field proves she’s more than just a pretty womb. Munted Leah managed to bully her into being an interrupting cow at the fertility banquet, but karma came back to bite when Leah stumbled over to interrupt her while she was explaining to Matty that she ‘doesn’t fall for people easily’, so now he thinks she’s an un-committing baby maker that coathangers people on the soccer field. Fortunately, there are enough paid actresses on this season that’ll she’ll almost definitely make it to the top ten.

While the girls on the group date were busy reinforcing gender stereotypes at the fertility jamboree, Natalie was back at the caravan planting whoopee cushions in everyone’s bunk beds. While she definitely won’t provide a womb for Matty’s progeny, she is providing comic relief in between the lengthy periods of verbal assault from Jen and the Pussycat Moles, which means the producers will make Matty keep her around until Lisa is visibly pregnant and the show is cancelled.

Resident fashion police chief, Liz, would have had a critique extravaganza in this week’s group date but was probably locked in the Barbie Caravan doing bicep curls for the entire episode.

Simone spent the better part of the third episode making it very clear that, like the rest of Australia, she believes Leah is an enormous mole with semi-severe alcoholism. While she and Matty share no form of romantic connection, she’s fuelling the drama at the moment which works in her favour because any good ratings will soften the blow of Channel Ten’s voluntary administration.

Leah’s consistent feather-ruffling is without a doubt putting her in the fast-lane to a one-way ticket out of the Barbie Caravan. After blaming her compulsive bullying on the need to ‘absorb other people’s problems’ because her mother ‘is sometimes exposed to children’, to her credit she she still hasn’t taken her eye off the prize, which she believes is a $250,000 cash prize and a column in Australia's leading premium food magazine, Delicious.

Matty has clearly been forced to keep Belinda around to appease mature-aged viewers because the love coach has so far had more chemistry with a Greek salad than The Bachelor himself. Unfortunately for Belinda, Michelle’s comprehensive knowledge of ageism laws will most likely secure her the position of token geriatric, which means Belinda’s time in the caravan is ticking.

Episode three was a real game changer for Sharlene who spoke words on two separate occasions. Her inability to know her way around a heshan pillow case was obviously a huge red flag for Matty J. If she doesn’t display an in depth aptitude for domestic housework in the next episode, it could be back to the shearing shed for Sharlene.

Stephanie has defied all odds to make it through to another episode albeit providing little to no plot value in the first three episodes. If she doesn’t reveal a strong family history of above average life expectancy or a claim to royal lineage in the next episode, her ovaries will almost definitely be on the chopping block.

Baby Mole, Sian, has so far shown a greater commitment to echoing the last word of every one of Jen’s sentences than finding love and/or a radio career. Though she is in the reproductive prime of her life, her inability to refrain from bullying other wombs or provide any substantial plot line will get her booted from the Barbie Caravan before she can say ‘uterus’.

An honorary mention goes to Anna Pavlova who, sans blue eyeliner, looked like she could have been her own daughter in last night’s episode. It also became quite clear when she read out the single date card that Akoulina sacrificed a lot to become a professional ribbon twirler, including primary education.

Check out all of the Bachie news at it comes to hand here.

Image credit: Channel 10

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