Funny

The Bachelor Week 5 Recap + Power Rankings | Game Over Moles

By Millie Lester - 25 Aug 2017

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It has been nigh on five weeks since Matty first met all 22 of his potential prodigy incubators and though the first episode provided a few warning signs surrounding mansion moles, it didn’t even scratch the cervix of the drama that would plague the wombs this season.

Here’s what happened this week on Better Wombs & Gardens.

Episode 9

The first episode of the week opens like any other, with the wombs sitting in the lounge room counting each other and guessing what day it is. Once they’ve finished numbering off, Elora pulls out a gold envelope and announces that Jen, Simone, Elise and Cobie are all about to have their genders firmly reinforced.

Group Date

For this episode’s group date, Matty has constructed a thorough genetic investigation under the guise of a ‘family lunch’. Not only has he literally locked the wombs in a kitchen, because dating all ten of them at once isn’t humiliating enough, but he’s also made them compete in a cooking competition to find out which one can bring him his post-tennis parma fastest.

The girls are about six times happier to see their parents than Survivor contestants who haven’t even seen deodorant in ten weeks. After Matty wipes away a tear, he explains that he’s brought the olds to the mansion to suss out dominant family genes whilst enjoying a nice prawn salad he doesn’t have to make himself.

While Matty’s busy remembering more names than normal, Australia falls in love with Elise’s dad, Simone’s mum is quickly YouTubing how to turn a gas oven on and Jen’s ecstatic that this week’s mystery box challenge is desserts and she can’t wait to show Matty how well she’ll do in the pressure test.

Matty reveals at the end of the group date that his score system was based purely on a fear of disappointing Phil, so he whisks Elise away to Jen’s utter disgust (“Elise made the worst dish, I’m literally shocked”), pumps her with more wine, feeds her some bullshit about ‘thinking about her every day since that fishing stunt of episode 4”, throws her a sympathy rose and kisses her cheek.

Single Date

Back at the mansion, tensions are high because everyone is dating the same man. In lieu of everyday luxuries like books, newspapers, and modern social constructs, the girls are all staring out the window to pass the time. Fortunately, Matty knows which window his captives usually lay down their hair from and trots past on his camel, causing four of the girls to hyperventilate.

Tara is the lucky womb chosen to mount the second hump and she has no problem at all feigning excitement about being driven around on a poor man’s Kawasaki, even though she was gearing up for her turn on the Date Yacht. Meanwhile, Matty’s voice over explains his reasoning behind this date, using phrases like “loves the outdoors”, “likes animals”, “is woman”, and other highly specific and personal rationales.

Eventually, he pulls the camel over to a quaint picnic area that he’s definitely seeing for the first time, and attempts to woo Tara with some gestation-stimulating Middle Eastern cuisine. After a while, there’s a bit of a lull in conversation so, in a shocking turn of events, Matty brings in another woman. This is proving to be his most popular move to date.

After some pelvic exams, or ‘belly dancing’ as he calls it, Matty starts telling Tara yet again that he’s sick to death of her jokes and for the love of God can she show him her serious side. This move works on Tara, who then opens up about her ‘feelings’. Matty starts listing off all the instances where he hated Tara for being funny, she thanks him, they pash and he rewards her with a date rose. It’s clear that Matty has really got his single date structure down pat.

Cocktail Party + Rose Ceremony

Back at the cocktail party, Jen has been given a cue card of icebreakers including, “how’s everyone feeling tonight vis-a-vis our boyfriend being on a date with another woman?”, “do we hate Tara or nah?” and “does this dress make me look putrid?”. She’s also decided that Elise can get stuffed because she’s the best cook in the house, which is why she’s set up an instant restaurant on the patio.

Matty pretends to eat Jen’s desserts and is visibly frustrated that she’s making him compromise his abs for a lousy piece of bloody cake, meanwhile Jen’s reading lines from a teleprompter with key phrases like ‘vulnerability’, ‘right reasons’ and ‘awesome bitch’.

The rose ceremony eventually kicks off and one by one the wombs are invited into the next round of IVF until Matty mimes off camera to a producer, “can I kick the old one off now?”. He then escorts Michelle into the back of a divvy van, gives her a fist bump and throws her a wink and a pair of finger guns from the driveway.

Episode 10

Episode 10 kicks off with Jen pretending to miss she-whose-name-Matty-can’t-spell. Osher then arrives with a date card and the girls perform their usual mating dance to the tune of Anastacia’s ‘I’m Outta Love’. Tara cracks open the envelope and reveals that Elise will be going on her first one-on-one with Matty and Simon basically punches herself in the face.

Single Date

The single date opens with Matty once more explaining the reasoning behind the date’s format. Matty’s face says ‘bitches love shit that moves’, but his script says ‘Womb6 loves the outdoors’. He explains to Elise that the producers have agreed to let them ride a bus AND a boat as a reward for keeping Jen around for so long. Elise is excited to find out what end of the Date Yacht she’ll be hanging off.

Matty uses a weak emotional tie to London as an excuse to drive Elise around Sydney in a bus. He stops at one point to grab a bunch of flowers he doesn’t even pay for and Elise reacts as if he just cured gestational diabetes, before then explaining that her last boyfriend ‘was not ideal’.

Later, Matty bestows the gift of the ‘great outdoors’ upon Elise by forcing her to play field hockey in a paddock. After a while, they end up on the ground for some reason and Elise fails to acknowledge Matty’s cue to kiss him. He punishes her by force feeding her highly acidic carbonated beverages in an attempt to rot her molars.

Afterwards, he takes her on the famous Date Yacht, throws her in a hot tub, rejects her line about ‘not falling for people easily’ by taking her lips for an extended test drive and then rewards her reluctant consent with a piece of foliage that is the key to the next round of fertility treatment.

Group Date

At the group date, Matty makes some loose verbal connection between sports and the importance of working together, and then the bikini alarm goes off and all the girls have to strip down to their smalls and toss thongs at Eskys.

Jen takes this opportunity to remind the camera that she’s ‘here to make Instagram followers, not friends’ and that she’s confident she’ll come out of this group date as the Australian Ninja Warrior.

After several rounds of ‘bonding exercises’ where Matty watches on as the wombs jump around in inadequately supported bikini tops, he announces that the team who wins beach volleyball will be invited to eleven seconds of uninterruptehand-holdingng at his exclusive victory party, which turns out to be a few Savoys and a bottle of Yellow at a house down the road.

Matty then chooses Tara to share a sausage with in some one-on-one time because apparently she’s ‘different’ when she’s with his nine other girlfriends. He then tears strips off her again for laughing in public and reminds Tara that if she’s serious about finding love, she’ll continue being a shrivelled up husk of herself to please him.

Cocktail Party + Rose Ceremony

At the cocktail party, Lisa is clearly pregnant with Matty’s fourth child because the producers have pulled out all the stops to construct a plot line questioning Lisa’s motives for being on the show. Jen takes it upon herself, after being instructed by the producers, to approach Matty and tell him that Lisa loves him like a brother and that she’s only pretending to love him so more people will like her tweets.

A few of the wombs overhear this flat out lie and sit Jen down for some good old fashion tongue lashing. As per usual, Jen initially denies everything with the standard defence that ‘[Womb#] is the scum of the earth’, but then does a full 180 and starts crying. It soon becomes clear that the executive producer slipped her a fifty at the beginning of the night and whispered, “get wasted, shit in a bucket, and walk out”.

Jen then gets up and storms out of the room, grabs a prop suitcase planted in the hall and drags it out onto the driveway, into the night and straight to the Daily Mail to plant some story about selflessly leaving to be with her grieving ex. And scene.

Power Rankings








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Image credit: Channel 10

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