Funny

Horoscopes: Your Co(s)mic Week Ahead

By Julia Hammond - 31 Jan 2017



It may seem like doom and gloom is around every corner (Trump is President, anyone?). But there’s good news on the horizon this week. At least…for some of you.

Aquarius

Ok Aquarians calm down, the party’s over. That’s not to say it won’t come around again, but it’s not going to happen for you this week. Focus on nursing your lucky hangover and getting back into the swing of a normal old routine.

Where you need to go this week: Your cure is here.

Pisces

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim! It hasn’t been the easiest start to the year. Luckily January is almost done and dusted so in the meantime you should keep your head above water and look forward to a less fishy February.

Where you need to go this week: Take a literal swim while the weather’s fine

Aries

Mars is on its way into your stratosphere so now would be a good time to try something new. Take it from us, Melbourne is the perfect place to get out of your comfort zone.

Where you need to go this week: Bet you haven’t been here.

Taurus

You’ve always been a dreamer, so goals aren’t exactly the easiest things to stick to. This week it gets a little bit harder to keep motivated. Instead of giving up just try, try again next week.

Where you need to go this week: Good spots to hide from your responsibilities.

Gemini

Sorry Geminis looks like it’ll be a tough one. Your ruling planet—Mercury —is set to clash with Pluto this week and it doesn’t look set to win. This could leave you feeling pretty dark and anxious, but let’s look on the bright side. At least we gave you a heads up.

Where you need to go this week: A reminder of simpler times.

Cancer

You’ve been causing conflict all over the place lately. Perhaps not always intentionally but it doesn’t mean you can get away with not making amends.

Where you need to go this week: Take someone here.

Leo

Uh-oh, somebody’s bitten off a bit more than they can chew. Unfortunately no matter how hard or fast you gnash those teeth it’s not going to chomp away at this one. Focus on stepping back and smelling those proverbial flowers instead.

Where you need to go this week: Start practising mindfulness here.

Virgo

Beware of animals this week. This may mean literally your neighbour’s dog or figuratively that person in the office who always wears a cat eye. Maybe you’d be better off having a quiet week in.

Where you need to go this week: Stay home and drink this.

Libra

Getting back into a new working year is tough. We get it. So why not take some time this weekend to do the things you love and escape to the outdoors.

Where you need to go this week: Melbourne is full of adventure.

Scorpio

Your one true love is missing you and wants a little TLC. Maybe that’s your partner or your pet; it could even be Netflix—no judgement. Either way putting a little time and effort into something other than yourself will reap rewards.

Where you need to go this week: Netflix knows you better than you think.

Sagittarius

They say laughter is the best medicine. For what you ask? That’s up to you. Your sense of humour is going to come in handy this week. Perhaps you’ll need it to protect yourself from an awkward situation, or it might be to cheer up a friend. Either way keep your secret weapon close.

Where you need to go this week: Just in case you need a refresher.

Capricorn

Unlike your Gemini pals, the meeting between Mercury and Pluto this week spells positive vibes ahead. It puts you in an energetic mind-state and inspires you to change the world. That may sound like a lot of pressure, but you can handle it.

Where you need to go this week: Give this charitable café a try.

Image credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

Our best stories, direct to your inbox, helping you to out-trend your mates every weekend...

Tags:

Funny

You May Also Like