Back in the days when pickling was new, the purpose of embalming vegetables was to circumvent the seasons and make the harvest last the winter. Clever right? What clever little humans we are. So clever that we invented the fridge! So, my question is this: How, in the age of domestic refrigeration, are we still pickling things???
It can’t be for the flavour. It just can’t. Time was, the terror of this unexpected pickle confrontation (or UPC as it’s known in anti-pickle circles) was reserved for burger encounters and ploughman’s platters, but now pickles are turning up everywhere and I am not ok with it. The nasty little things infiltrate our burgers, they lurk in our sandwiches, some hilarious pranksters even slip the juice into cocktails. And what does the nefarious pickle do? It lies in wait for the opportune moment to reveal themselves in the midst of a mouthful and ruin your day. No wonder cats freak out when you surprise them with a cucumber, they probably think it’s a pickle.
If you hate pickles, here are 18 things you’ll understand better than anyone else:
- I’m just going to say it: they look like, erm, male appendage.
- Bumpy, diseased appendage.
- Pickle juice bears an uncanny resemblance to lemon-lime Gatorade—you only make that mistake once.
- The ickiness every time you see one floating around in their own fluids like a dead thing in a specimen jar.
- Leaving dinner early because your date ordered extra pickles like an animal.
- Someone using the word ‘pickle’ to describe a dilemma and you perking up like ‘where?!’.
- Because of the brine they look and taste suspiciously like something that’s been decaying on the ocean floor.
- Feeling betrayed by the chippy when you found out pickles are used to make tartar sauce.
- If you didn’t know that already, we’re sorry.
- Really losing all faith in the chippy after biting into what you thought was a potato scallop and finding a battered pickle instead.
- Having dill ruined forever.
- The knee-quaking shock of biting into a burger laced with the crinkly feckers after specifically saying ‘no pickles’ to the guy at the drive-thru window.
- NO I CAN’T JUST PICK THEM OFF!
- Trying to pick them off anyway but still being able to taste the phantom residue of the pickle juice.
- Finding a pickle in a salad and realising nowhere is safe.
- They look like slimy, bald cactuses.
- The wave of goosebumps that shoot up your spine when you hear the unmistakeable crunch of someone eating a whole pickle.
- The haplessness of trying to explain your aversion to someone who doesn’t appreciate exactly how much pickles taste like bogeys.
Hate bananas too? Same. You'll love this, then.
Design credit: Sarah Law