Funny

25 Ways To Waste Your Tax Return Riches

By Daniel Colasimone - 04 Jul 2016

The sweet, sweet mullah you get from your tax return feels like a free gift from the universe. It’s like when you casually put a couple of chips on a roulette table and win big first time, or find a forgotten $20 in a jacket pocket. That kind of money is not meant to be spent on groceries, or petrol or on clearing credit card debt. You have every right to splash it lavishly on unnecessary trinkets and baubles.

Here are 25 things to waste that money on.

  1. A money clip. That’s gotta be your first step.
  2. Three pints of premium craft beer that will knock out your tastebuds after three gulps with its high alcohol content and intense array of aromas and cost you more than a week’s rent.
  3. A crossbow.
  4. A rice cooker. Boiling rice in a pot is for peasants.
  5. A stand-up paddle board. And you’ll need the paddle too. And roof racks to get it to the beach. You’ll also need a sunglasses strap so they don’t fall into the water.
  6. A bunch of clothes and toys for a dog, even if you don’t own a dog. And now that you have all the crap, might as well get a puppy.
  7. A wine fridge. Just to further promote the illusion that when someone gives you an expensive bottle of wine you’re not going to drink it within two weeks.
  8. A knitted beard beanie.
  9. One of those Dyson vacuum cleaners. They are lush.
  10. A replica NFL team jersey. They look ridiculous and huge and you’ll never wear it, but, you know, we all wanna be like R.Kelly, right?
  11. Binoculars.
  12. Send some money to that Nigerian prince who needs your help. Hey, you’ve got cash to burn, and if what he says is true, you could be in for a MAJOR payday.
  13. One of those really expensive watches that is designed so far up its arse that you can’t actually tell what time it is when you look at it.
  14. A framed Ben Harper poster.
  15. A ticket to the Cocos Islands.
  16. A hardback first edition of Eragon.
  17. Spotify Premium. Because rich people don’t need the indignity of shitty ads interrupting their streamed music at the cocktail party they’re hosting.
  18. A Meet the Meerkats experience at the zoo.
  19. Have a moat built around your house.
  20. Some gloriously overpriced designer gumboots which you can wear to the next music festival.
  21. An art deco antique bar cart. Even if you’ve only got a quarter bottle of Bundy Rum and a bottle of Chablis to put on it for now.
  22. Pay for every seat in a movie theatre so you don’t have to listen to people crunching on popcorn, or old ladies tut-tutting whenever there’s a bit of titty on screen.
  23. A mahogany laptop stand. Why not?
  24. One of those automatic cleaning robots. So you can put a cat on it and then upload the hilarious results to Youtube.
  25. Put a deposit down at an old person’s home so you’ve got something solid to threaten your parents with when they annoy you.

Image credit: Ariana Gillrie

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