Scientists entrenched deep in a high-tech lab in Switzerland have worked out that people who only go out on Friday and Saturday nights are wasting 71.42857% of the week's resources.
There are plenty of other days of the week to exploit. (Five, in fact.) While most of us are familiar with the Sunday session, Mondays through Thursdays are grossly neglected by many Australians when it comes to going out and having fun.
Especially for those of us who are single, weeknights should be embraced, not ignored. While couples love to sit at home knitting baby garments and eating quiche, those who are still unfettered should be out there enjoying themselves when bars are less crowded, dinner specials abound, and the atmosphere is generally more chilled and convivial.
Overlooking the potential of weekday shenanigans is like only using 10% of your brain (this is not an endorsement of LSD, there are other ways to expand your mind, kids).
It's also like when Medieval Europeans refused to eat potatoes because they thought they were poisonous. Weeknights are not poisonous, you fools! You can boil them and make delicious mash with butter, or you can fry them and put salt and balsamic vinegar on them or bake them in the oven with bacon bits and sour cream and cheese!
Going out during the week should be a staple of every single person's diet, not a rare oddity to be enjoyed every once in a while.
Are you guilty of not using your weeknights to their full advantage? Want someone to organise a weeknight party for you, where you can bring your pals, meet some new (very attractive) people, and score a round of drinks on the house? Of course you do, you gorgeous fool! Head on over to Winger, where they are all about the weeknight party.
And, while you're at it, check out our suggestions below for the best bars and restaurants in Melbourne for you (and your group of 6) to hit up during the week.
Little Creatures Dining Hall | Fitzroy
As the name suggests, this is a cavernous space whose main purpose is to promote the consumption of Little Creatures beers; but that is certainly not a bad thing. You probably wouldn't want to come to this raucous establishment for a quiet date, but it is perfectly suited to a night out with a larger group of chums. The grub is casual but hearty, and you know Little Creatures' beers are delicious.
Howler | Brunswick
Another vast drinking den, Howler is situated in a former warehouse and plays host to entertainment in various forms, from gigs to theatre to art exhibitions, to DJs playing choons. The general jollification wouldn't be able to happen unless this Brunswick hub did not also feature a cracking range of brews and some really tasty Japanese treats. It's a gorgeous setting to boot, and the friendly staff ensure the whole experience is pretty damn fun.
Bar Ampere | Melbourne CBD
You won't get much more European than Bar Ampere unless you get on a plane and jet to Milan or Paris for your Campari fix. The Futurist theme is carried off delightfully well and envelops everything from the décor to the food presentation. There is also an outdoor recess for people watching, and a completely disparate internal bar that seems ideal for canoodling. Best of all, this surreal atmosphere can be experienced any day of the week until 3am.
The Catfish | Fitzroy
Frills are not to be found at The Catfish—just delectable American-style bar food, top-notch craft beers, heaps of whisky varieties, and lots of live music. It's not hard to see why Fitzroy locals are smitten with this place.
Boney | Melbourne CBD
A good, honest restaurant by day (and 'til fairly late at night) becomes a house of revelry later on in the evenings that matches the level of debauch that was commonplace in this venue's previous incarnation, Pony. If you can cope with the slightly odd juxtaposition of the reasonably sober eatery downstairs and the wild band room upstairs, Boney will be there waiting for you any night you feel the need to cut loose.
Mr Wow's Emporium | Collingwood
This laid-back joint has just the right vibe for the Smith Street scene. Mr Wow's Emporium is unpretentious without being uninteresting, and features a good old-fashioned long bar that allows for mingling with the other punters and banter with the bartenders, and big share tables for those who already have heaps of friends, or are keen to meet more. Oh, and there's a pool table and indoor bocce in case you want to get competitive without the physical trauma of real sports.
Builders Arms Hotel | Fitzroy
The classic Fitzroy hotel was given a modern makeover a few years back, and how well it all turned out! The best pubby bits remain, just with a funkier twist on the design of the place. Tasty brews and good pub grub (steaks!) ensure the Builders is still keeping it real, but the sexy décor makes it an attractive option for stylemeisters as well.
Looking for something to spice up your weeknights? Keen to have a great night out with your mates, have your first round shouted at one of Melbourne's best bars, and meet some new peeps while you're at it? Check out Winger then, whydontcha? It's a new invite-only online social club and it's pretty rad. Click here to find out more.
Main image credit: This Is For Real Men Only