As the fourth week of ‘Melanoma In Jarrod’s Eyes’ comes to a close, it’s time to reflect on the shitstorm that had stolen our weeknights for over a month. To date, Jarrod’s developed more moles than love interests, Leah’s had more Corona’s than kisses, Simone’s lost more friends than job prospects and Apollo’s caught more eyes than volleyballs. All in all, sh*t’s f*cked and we’re bloody loving it.
Here are 28 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
- The episode resumes at the point where Jake hasn’t got a bloody clue that Osher’s sold his boo to a Canadian human trafficking ring.
- Megan reappears to announce that her boat doesn’t leave for a while so her and Thomas are going to have some tinnies at the bar.
- Jake’s pretty devo that Megan dogged him for a man who calls himself Hercules so runs off to sucker punch a production intern.
- Megan then confesses to the girls that she tongue punched Thomas’ voice box last night and Jake’s completely in the dark about the whole shemozzle.
- So, she beckons him to the Rotunda of Romance to break the news about the smooch and Jake takes it really well because honestly, he doesn’t give a shit, he’s just waiting for the call from Nova to find out he landed that drive time radio slot and doesn’t have to pay for teeth whitening ever again.
- Megan then has to break the news to Thomas that she broke the news to Jake and now doesn’t want to pursue any more moonlight mouth mashes with him please and thank you.
- Rachael and Sasha a.k.a. Don’t Know and Don’t Care are slagging off Leah in a strange swinging park bench.
- Meanwhile Tara’s pitching her new Fijian ridesharing service, Fuber, to potential investors a.k.a. Leah and Simone.
- Grant then invites Ali to join him in the carpark where he’s written ‘You’re alright’ in gravel.
- Ali collapses in a pile of tears and confesses that she’s been waiting her whole life for the kind of love that makes her want to skewer herself on a goal post because we all know she’s the closeted crazy on the island.
- Simone returns from down the shops with a date card and Leah’s already drowning herself in a litre of sangria before Simone even reads Rachael’s name off the envelope.
- The pair are then led to the parking lot out the back where some resident natives feed them bowls of dirt water on a wet tarp because ~culture~.
- Back at Love Hut, Leah’s lost her flaming mind because she can’t find her immunity idol.
- Meanwhile, Jared and Rachael have the most unremarkable date on record and return to the group to announce they’re now connected on LinkedIn.
- Osh arrives and tells everyone he’s having a bush doof later on the hill behind the loos for couples only, no lonely singles allowed.
- Pres kick off and Leah grabs American Jared for a yarn on the swings and to make one last half-ditched attempt to trick him into saying ‘I do’ next to her friend, Pastor David.
- Jared’s having none of it because this is clearly a credit card scam, so he quickly hotfoots it out of there for a fresh orange juice and some Ritz bickies.
- The last rose ceremony of the week gets underway and out of the black of night, Osh appears to go over the usual rules—that everyone who doesn’t get a rose has to die.
- Apollo lobs his at Simone, whose chest is about to flake off.
- Uncle Sam then plants a rose in Tara’s hand and a wet one on her mouth flaps.
- Grant asks Ali to marry him but no one’s really listening because he has a dumb accent.
- Jarrod gives Keira a rose but they don’t kiss because they can’t remember if they’re together atm.
- Jake and Megan again join forces to spice up their social media following and also to make throwback Flo super pissed.
- Eden pelts a baguette at Elora’s mug and asks her to accept his rose and she says, ‘whatever Craig’.
- And then Thomas blows the whole thing wide open and gives Rachael a rose because he’s a stupid tourist and didn’t listen to Osher’s very specific instructions vis-a-vis rose-giving etiquette.
- This flower swaperoo puts ol’ Sash in a right strop because she’s hungry and no one gave her a rose to scoff.
- Osh just literally cannot right now, so he walks over and pulls the plug on the camcorder propped up on a beer keg and tells everyone to go the hell to bed, this party’s over losers.
- And here we are, counting down the days until Leah eats Rachael’s hair and calls her a bitch moll on Sunday night while Capsicum Jarrod skulls a litre of Sorbolene in a bath of aloe vera cream.
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