Facebook is home to a gold mine of absolute drongos. Each and every day humanity’s greatest digital deviants and megabyte thieves honour us with statuses and comments that highlight the internet’s greatest flaw—the idiot soapbox.
Here are the 7 worst people you’ll see on Facebook.
1. Josh | Who Shares MRA Posts
Josh’s profile picture is a photo of a possum carcass draped over the bonnet of his ‘modified’ 1994 Holden Commodore ute. His religion is listed as ‘f*ck God, worship guns’ and he often shares video compilations of semi-serious road accidents. Josh has on more than one occasion lost his job because Clem Ford screenshotted his unsolicited inboxes and emailed them to his duty manager at KFC.
2. Simone | Who Shares Inspirational Quotes About Motherhood
According to Simone’s latest status, ‘life doesn’t come with a manual, it comes with a mother’. Simone enjoys resharing ‘real’ parenting stories with the caption ‘motherhood is the hardest career of all’, calling people sweetie and posting photos of her family members sleeping. When she’s not tagging her boyfriend’s mother in cooking videos, she’s asking her Facebook friends to vote for her cousin’s baby in small-scale local photography competitions.
3. Anna | Who Tags Her Med Friends In Graphic Surgical Procedures
Anna is two years into her paramedicine degree and doesn’t realise that other people find knee reconstruction videos immensely confronting. According to her profile, Anna is allergic to penicillin and is ‘strictly agnostic’ but ‘firmly believes in karma and the law of averages’. She enjoys resharing lost pet posts, entering herself and her three best friends into Maybelline makeup competitions, and checking in at Grill’d.
4. Kyle | Who Posts Homemade Football Memes
Kyle enjoys checking in at the casino once a year when him and the fellas get their tax return, captioning photos of his friends doing shoeys with ‘Saturdays are for the boys’ and commenting ‘leftist shit’ on any post about a woman securing a semi-senior job in the sporting industry. According to his profile, Kyle’s received his formal education from ‘quit it n get a real job’ and works at ‘myself’.
5. Christine | Who Doesn’t Understand That People Can See Everything She Comments
According to her profile, Christine speaks ‘Australian English’, is divorced and attended the ‘school of life’. She enjoys commenting ‘YES!!’ on posts asking you to comment ‘GOOD LUCK’ if you want to receive GOOD LUCK in the next 48 hours, and incorrectly answering maths equations on ‘95% of people will get this wrong’ posts. When she’s not commenting on photos her friends’ children are tagged in, she’s resharing inspirational Barack Obama videos and adding her own personal experiences to complaints posted on the Jetstar page.
6. Sophee | Who Tags Her Friends In ‘Girls Who’ll Get Engaged In 2017’ Graphics When Her Own Name Is Listed
According to her profile, Sophee is a retail assistant at Lipstik Shoes. Sophee enjoys posting photos of different people every two weeks with the caption, “catch ups with my favourite person <3”. When she’s not fake laughing at dusk in a driveway in her profile picture, she’s sharing friendship anniversary videos and posting screenshots of a countdown app so everyone knows how many days are left until ‘Bali with the girls!!’.
7. Jack & Cheryl | Who Post Statuses About Each Other When They Fight
Jack and Cheryl have a joint account that Jack doesn’t know the password to. They enjoy posting progress shots of their cat, Lacey’s, pregnancy and flogging their limited edition Beanie Kids in the ‘Australia Buy n Sell Over $1000’ page. When Cheryl’s not posting screenshots of Jack’s Facebook conversations with other women, she’s posting plates of Fish Fingers and Birds Eye microwave vegetables with the caption ‘how can i stay mad at him?’.
Find yourself nodding at these? How about you find the 7 worst people you'll see at brunch.
Image credit: John Rose