We’ve all read those articles that tell you the things you should do before you’re 30. Learn how to pay your taxes, nail one recipe, go travelling on your own. Blah blah blaaghhhh. I’m not here to tell you what to do, I’m just here to facilitate a smooth transition to not giving a flying fork.
Here’s your go-to guide. I make no apologies for any contradictory statements. Life is one big contradiction, after all.
- First things first: get rid of that goddamn gym membership you never use.
- Throw out that pair of jeans that last fit you during your Atkins Diet phase in high school.
- Clear your wallet of all the loyalty cards you stamped once and then forgot about.
- Delete those numbers from your phone. Especially if they consist of a first name, and the place where you met them. I’m looking at you, Danny Swan Hotel.
- Don’t like your job? Quit. This isn’t high school, you’re not obligated to do anything.
- Stop feeling guilty about that pizza you ate. Did you enjoy it? Then it was worth it.
- That guy or girl that pretends you don’t exist? Ditch them. Or beat them at their own game. Life’s too short to wait by the phone.
- Actually wait until there’s a decent amount of parmesan on your pasta before telling the waiter to stop. Cheese is a right.
- Stop wasting food. You buy it, you eat it.
- Trying to pace yourself on a Tuesday. Wednesday hangovers are no worse than Friday hangovers. So just say yes to that third glass.
- Chuck out that Supre shirt. You know the one. The one that says ‘my face is up here’ across the boobs.
- Clean out your storage unit. Those broken Polly Pockets will never be worth anything.
- And that Spice Girls CD? It’s a classic, but no CD player means no fun. Ditch it. And by that, I mean frame it.
- Part ways with that friend that acts like Regina George. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
- Chuck out that lip balm that fell off the middle bit three months ago. The one that falls off if you twist it too far.
- Get over feeling guilty about preferring your own company. Everyone does, deep down.
- Resist the urge to feel like money = status and quality. Cheap mascara and K-Mart kitchen furnishings are nothing to be ashamed of. And they’re awesome.
- For the love of god, let’s all agree to not feel awkward about going into a shop and not buying anything.
- In the same vein, ordering delivery is a proud moment. There’s no need to yell to your imaginary housemate and tell them the food has arrived.
- Let go of the concept of being a grown up. Microwave Mac & Cheese and Netflix is a perfectly legitimate Saturday night agenda.
- Stop letting people shame you for your shit. Do you like what you’re doing? Keep doing it. Especially if it involves Kraft Mac & Cheese.
- For god’s sake, close the 10 bank accounts you somehow ended up with. Face the phone call.
- Stop bumming cigarettes. If you want them, just go buy them.
- Accept that you can’t taste the difference between VB and the double-priced craft brew and save your pennies.
- You don’t need to talk to your hairdresser if you don’t want to. Sometimes, a magazine is just more interesting.
- Trying to fix things yourself if you’re useless at said fixing. Just pay someone and call it a day.
- This is important. If there is a drop of milk or juice left in the carton; let it go. Don’t put it back in the fridge. Okay? OKAY?
Design credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist