Funny

30 Things That Happen When You Give Up Wine For 30 Days

By Simone Jovel - 18 Jun 2017

wine


Hands up if you love a vino? Raise the other if maaaaaaybe you tend to overindulge on the weekend? Legs up if making it through hump day also calls for a rosé. Now that we’re all looking like idiots—what, no? OK, guess it’s just me then.

I’ve always looked at people who have given up booze and LOL’d quietly to myself.  How do you actually survive life without wine? A glass of perfect pinot or a well-mixed negroni is what life is all about after all!

But let’s just say, my liver needed a break. When I found out about #30DaysClean I was intrigued (read: terrified). In a nutshell, we’re talking 30 days of no booze and regular exercise—along with eating well and no caffeine. So being the always up for a challenge (and stubborn) human that I am, I signed my hung-over ass up for Flow Athletics’ #30DaysClean. What could possible go wrong?

Here are 30 things that happen when you say au revoir to rosé.

  1. You will make excuses to fail before you’ve even begun.
  2. Followed by a pep talk.
  3. Day 1 you’ll think about wine at 7:15am, 7:20am and 7:25am on the way to work.
  4. All you want in life is a Bloody Mary—and you’re not even hung over.
  5. And just one glass of buttery chardonnay.
  6. It’s only 9am.  
  7. Because the universe is a cruel joke you get a text from that one friend (we all have one), where your relationship is based solely on day drinking, letting you know they’re coming to town on your first sober Saturday night. Great.
  8. You’re ready to throw the towel in already.
  9. Do not trust them when they say just join us for one soda water. It’s a trap.
  10. Now it’s time to execute a master plan of avoidance.
  11. You manage to remain sober AF, all weekend long #youtotesgotdis.
  12. It’s suddenly obvious just how much of your life revolves around booze.
  13. You will sniff your friends wine…. mmm tannins.
  14. And their beer.
  15. You develop bloodhound like smelling abilities and can sense a bevvy half a KM out.
  16. People ask if you’re pregnant.
  17. Or they don’t ask and just give you ‘the look’ when you get your fifth glass of sparkling water.
  18. You realise you’re judged more for staying sober, than you were for throwing up in your friend’s car, twice, after too much tequila #society.
  19. You have a lot of spare time, so you replace wine with a spin class and freak yourself out when you kinda love it —Kayla Itsines eat yo’ heart out.
  20. You book in for yoga first thing the next morning.
  21. You then tell everyone in the office, whether they care or not (side note: they definitely do not care) about your every wine related thought and what you’re doing sans wine in your life. 
  22. Wine cravings are as real as chocolate cravings.
  23. You eat a lot of grapes; they’re the closest you’re getting my friend.
  24. Your mind is clearer than it’s ever been, and you start drafting mental notes for world domination.
  25. Suddenly everyone is commenting on how good your skin looks.
  26. You sleep SO damn well.
  27. And remember all of your Saturday night convos.
  28. You carpe diem like a boss—hello 7am yoga class.
  29. And you’ve totally lost some weight.
  30. By the end of the month you’re one cheap drunk #budgetballer.

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Design credit: Gabrielle Stjernqvist

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