While some visit The Urban List for tips on where to go for the best cream buns or to find out which type of active wear makes your bum look rounder, it is fair to say the majority of people come here to read our annual Melbourne Cup guide.
Since Australia’s favourite horse race began in 1861, TUL has been as big a part of the Cup as having a cheeky punt, wearing an obnoxious hat and drunkenly pashing your boss at a work function.
It is our proudest achievement at The Urban List that we have picked the winner of the race every single time it has been run, apart from 1981 of course*.
Here are the only 10 contenders that are even worth mentioning, forget the rest:
Often described as the Drake of the horse world, Preferment is astonishingly popular with the punters but maligned by some of his peers for not being ‘real’. His new Youtube video in which he dances around like a nonce is going viral, but at the same time his current beefs include Kendrick Lamar, Azalea Banks and Max Dynamite. His trainer Chris Waller is constantly trying to deflect questions about his role in Degrassi Junior High and get the media to focus on what a good stayer he is.
#2 Trip to Paris
Originally brought to Australia from the UK as Red Cadeaux’s ‘bodyguard and food taster’, Trip to Paris has now been entered in the race as a prank. And even though his trainers are just having a bit of a laugh (read: they were wasted on Bacardi Breezers) when they submitted his entry, we’re tipping him to cause a boilover and win the whole shebang. It will be just like the plot of the movie Step Up. Probably.
#3 Gust of Wind
This filly has made a remarkable career recover after being falsely accused of witchcraft in 1610. She’s decent enough on a dry surface, but comes into her own when there is rain about. She won on a wet track in Scone when witnesses claimed she miraculously ‘floated 30cm above the ground’ to beat the rest of the field by 20 lengths.
#4 Fame Game
The bookmakers have Fame Game as the favourite to win the Melbourne Cup, but we’re not so sure. Remember when everyone was saying, oh, the Nazis are gonna win WWII, and then they didn’t? Same deal here. Don’t ask us to explain it further. Shut up.
#5 Who Shot Thebarman?
Easily the dumbest pony in this field, and possibly in all of horsedom. Who Shot Thebarman shot to fame after starring in this gif, before his UK management team decided his next move would be into racing. Though he actually turned out to be very quick, his trainers struggle to get him to do the simple things, such as run in the right direction. If he makes it around the track without stopping to eat his own poo, he could be amongst the frontrunners?
Apparently winning the Queen Elizabeth Stakes makes you a god amongst horses because since pulling off that feat, Criterion has turned into a total fucking diva. His pre-race demands are off the chain (garbage bin full of M&Ms with the brown ones removed, Scarface on repeat on an HD screen, a bonsai tree and framed photo of Nicholas Cage within his field of vision at all times), but more worryingly, he has not trained for two years, preferring to spend his time partying with Rihanna on a yacht off the coast of France or attending Mayweather fights in Atlantic City. Look, the kid is talented, but he really needs some focus.
#7 Max Dynamite
This pony deserves a top three finish purely based on having a badass name. Seriously, he sounds like a porn star or a WWE dude. We’ve been saying it for years, but Melbourne Cup winners almost always have cool-sounding names like Empire Rose and Might and Power. This fact alone makes Max Dynamite one of the favourites. (As an aside, since you can call your horse any name that hasn’t been taken before, why aren’t there more awesome names like Death Incarnate or Hellacious Flamethrower?)
The only My Little Pony runner this year. Almoonqith lived in Canterlot until Princess Celestia sent him to Ponyville. Accompanied by Spike, Almoonqith checked the town's preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration and befriended the rest of the main characters. The celebration was interrupted when Nightmare Moon, Celestia's nemesis, returned to power and threatened to bring eternal night to Equestria. Almoonqith and his friends discovered the Elements of Harmony and used them to transform Nightmare Moon back into Princess Luna. Princess Celestia gave Almoonqith permission to remain in Ponyville to study the magic of friendship.
#9 Bondi Beach
Named after the location of his conception (there were a lot of shocked beachgoers that day), this three year old is our tip for a surprise third place. If he does finish on the podium, keep a look out for his trademark celebration, which involves bucking the jockey off his back and kicking him up in the air over and over again in an entertaining but brutally violent game of keepy-uppy.
#10 Red Cadeaux
This old humbug first competed in the Melbourne Cup back in 1912, and though he has never won the race, he has plenty of fond memories, including second-place finishes in 1936, 1977 and 2014. Still a popular pick for punters, even though they know they are basically throwing money away, the height of his fame came back in the 80s when he co-hosted a Sunday night variety show on Channel Nine with Bert Newton called ‘Moonface and the Cad’.
Image credit: Sportal
*The only time we failed to pick the winner of the race can be explained by a case of unintentional intoxication which involved the inhalation of dangerous quantities of nail polish remover while locked in the boot of a Kingswood with Ita Buttrose, but that’s a story for another time. Suffice to say, our tip for that year, ‘The Harlem Globetrotters’, were not even entered in the race.