Yep, we’re serious with the title of this article. In a world where, for better or worse, bathroom selfies reign supreme, we reckon you may as well take one in a space that doesn’t suck. It should come as no surprise that Melbourne’s best bars and restaurants have stylish facilities that’ll help you flush through the small talk (and may even induce verbal diarrhoea, they’re so darn gorgeous). So here’s our list of where to go when you need to go. Because nature calls considerably more often than the Grim Reaper, but just as commandingly. Pee in style, people.
Cutler & Co
Once a metal works factory, Cutler & Co is packed with quirky architectural elements which carry right through to the bathroom. Step through sliding doors to find sleek unisex stalls (and Gwyneth Paltrow in that movie… just kidding). The walls are papered in black-and-white designs and the sink is pimped with Aesop toiletries. Lush.
Vue de Monde
Rumour has it that Vue de Monde’s bathroom cost $1 million—and we have to admit it’s a showstopper. Designed by architecture and interior design firm Elenberg Fraser, it’s got stone basins and warped metallic walls which give the impression of being inside an extremely elegant tin shed. In the gents section, there’s a controversial three-way ‘pissoir’ that obliges men to stand face-to-face to go. How European.
If you want to feel like a superhero watching over the city from a rooftop, take the lift to the toilets on the 35th floor of the Sofitel Hotel. The floor-to-ceiling glass windows provide a birds-eye view over the MCG, the Treasury, Parliament House and Fitzroy Gardens. On a sunny day, you can see as far as the Dandenong Ranges. Ordinary people appear as small as ants, and you may realise you’re the only agent of order fighting chaos in the urban jungle.
Before indoor plumbing existed, people had to make do with buckets and handbasins, so it makes sense that Ladro adopted bucket sink basins for their bathroom. The jury’s still out on whether they had Aesop handwash on the old-time prairie, though. Slanted white tiles make this bathroom appear lopsided, regardless of whether or not you’ve had a few drinks.
Mr Miyaji's loo is lovingly papered with hand-painted Japanese erotica. It suits their backstreet aesthetic down to a T. Or should that be a P? Designed by Eades & Bergman, you may cause your Tinder date to worry by spending a little too much time in there.
If you’re after a pink neon palace of a toilet, head to the ladies at Gazi. They’re flooded with rosy fluro lights to make reference to a former industrial district of Athens famed for its ‘nightlife’. The gents are similarly spot-lit with a vein-damaging UV blue.
Hidden behind a heavy red curtain, the ladies’ toilets at Mesa Verde boast a stunning view of the city—you can see right across Chinatown. The marble-effect walls in both the ladies and the gents are soundproofed—why, you ask? Well, we’re not sure. Let us know if you find out.
South Yarra Italian restaurant A25 Pizzeria takes a leaf out of Gazi’s neon-tinged book with a bathroom that includes some true Italian scandal. Visitors are greeted with audio from ex-Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi’s sex scandal trials, it’s certainly a rom that needs to be seen (or heard?!) to be believed!
Psst! We've also done a round-up of Melbourne's Most Jaw-Droppingly Beautiful Cafes. You're welcome.