Funny

What Your Car Says About You

By Daniel Colasimone - 09 Jan 2016

There are not many more important purchases we make as adults than our cars. I suppose buying a house is kind of a big deal, and some people probably by yachts or helicopters or something, but for most of us, getting a new car is a pretty important thing.

Sometimes it’s a very careful decision, while at other times your car kind of picks you.

However you ended up with your current chariot, there’s a good chance the make tells a bit of a story about what kind of person you are. Want to know what that story is? See below.

Alfa Romeo
You always smell vaguely of egg but that hasn’t stopped you sleeping with A LOT of models. Your favourite movie is Young Guns 2.

Audi
Due to undiagnosed tinnitus you actually haven’t understood anyone clearly for the past 12 years. You’ll spend 18 months living on the street between 2018 and 2020.

BMW
If intelligence were represented by different kinds of vegetables, you would be popcorn. By the end of this year you’ll be addicted to orange Tic Tacs.

Fiat
Just because you know the words to Mambo Italiano doesn’t make you a genuine Italiano. A lot of people have trouble holding your gaze because your left eye is slightly off kilter and it’s very distracting.

Ford
A lot of your current social anxiety is related to the fact you wet the bed until the age of 15. Your obsession with The Shawshank Redemption doesn’t help either. Your spirit animal is the poo emoji. You have great calves.

Great Wall
Your car is named after a wall. ‘Nuff said.

Holden
You have a lot of trouble distinguishing between reality and KFC commercials. Those douchelords are not your real friends. The only person you’ll truly ever love is your grade six teacher.

Honda
People call you “garden hose” behind your back. You can try and figure out why. You also have two of the most beautiful earlobes on the planet.

Hyundai
Netflix will one day make a documentary series about you called “Addicted to love: When sex becomes abnormal”. Hollywood heartthrob Johnny Depp actually follows you on Instagram under a fake name.

Infiniti
Cats can hear your thoughts.

Isuzu
You’re the Lionel Messi of eating wood-fire pizza. Your dress sense conjures up images of a Soviet-era apparatchik.

Jeep
Yeah, we know, you bought one. But at what cost to the happiness of your pets?

Kia
My god, you’re sexier than a young Joseph Stalin, aren’t you? It’s time you grew out of having “relations” in your car, though, there’s just not enough room. There is more denim in your wardrobe than any other material.

Mazda
Your natural body odour is quite citrusy and that is a very good thing. Everyone at your work suspects you are in a cult.

Mercedes-Benz
If you lived in Hollywood you would be best friends with J-Law. Your favourite thing about yourself is your hair. Your greatest life moment will come on Family Feud.

Mini
If you’re wondering why members of the opposite sex instantly friendzone you, it’s because it’s obvious you are a sexual hurricane and most people just aren’t willing to take that on. Hey, have you seen that movie The Italian Job? It’s about Minis.

Mitsubishi
Half god and half insane, you wander this earth seeking others who can match your intellect, charisma, and seductiveness. Alas, there are very few who can.

Nissan
Every day with you is like New Year’s Eve combined with Christmas rolled into Mardi Gras. Your laugh sounds like baboons mating and you dance like a stick insect on crystal meth.

Porsche
Whatsa matta? Couldn’t afford a Ferrari?

Renault
If life were a game of pool, you’d be the cue ball. You should be wearing more camouflage clothes—not because you need to hide, just ‘cause you look fricken great in camouflage.

Skoda
By the end of 2016 you’ll find yourself in a Uruguayan prison.

Subaru
If society weren’t so judgmental, you would totally wear one of those hats with the side and back flaps. The colour teal makes you horny.

Suzuki
You think all movies without Tom Selleck in them are garbage. You will soon fall in love with your dentist.

Toyota
Your school report cards were generously sprinkled with the words “gifted”, “quirky”, and “disturbed”. You think of yourself as a Miranda but you’re actually a Samantha.

Volkswagen
Your parents are pansexual—ask them and they’ll tell you all about it. One day you’ll end up in hospital because of Velcro. Did you know the wagen in Volkswagen is spelt with an “e” and not an “o”? Crazy Germans.

Volvo
You’re probably into Ikea and Roxette too, right? Thought so.

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