You’re not fooling us, homeslice.
Sure, you go for Sunday brunch at a hipster café, you drink craft beer, and you voted for Kendrick Lamar on the Hottest 100, but we know it’s all just a mask you wear. Every now and then, though, the mask slips and reveals who you really are, just below the surface. You might try and act like a sophisticate, or a middle class bohemian, but the truth is you’re a born-and-bred Queensland bogan.
And we say, stuff it. Don’t hide it anymore. Embrace that inner derro, people. If we all stop pretending at the same time none of us will look silly.
Here are 15 signs you’re secretly still a QLD bogan.
1. You might drive a small, sensible Japanese or Korean car, but when you hear someone gun the engine of their Holden SV your first instinct is to punch your fist in the air and yell, “yeaaaaah!”
2. You pretend you’re entering the meat tray raffle at the pub just for a laugh, but you’d really bloody love to win all that meat.
3. Fancy food night at your place means beef strog or spag bog.
4. You reckon K-Mart is the perfect place to buy birthday presents. Unless it’s a really special birthday, in which case you’ll shop at Target (which you refer to as Tar Jay).
5. Your only sources of news are The Courier-Mail and your Facebook feed.
6. You’ve never been to a party that didn’t have kabana bites and cheddar cubes.
7. With each passing year you find more acceptable places to wear your trackie dacks. It used to be just when you went down to the corner store, but now you feel more and more OK with rocking them to the movies, the hairdresser, dinner…job interviews.
8. And while we’re on the subject, you reckon it’s fine to wear thongs on most occasions, but is there really a need to dress so formally? Going barefoot is perfectly acceptable for most situations unless it’s a wedding or a funeral (and even then, it really depends whose wedding or funeral). Ugg boots are perfect for cold conditions (anything under 20 degrees).
9. No pair of jeans has ever made your bum look good.
10. You have a mate named Robbo. Probably more than one.
11. Your automatic response when you see the cops while driving is to hit the brakes, even if you weren’t actually speeding. If you see them when walking along you try to avoid eye contact while practicing what to say when they ask you what you’re doing.
12. All it takes is between five and 10 Bundy and Cokes or West Coast Coolers before the secret truth of the Universe is revealed to you. And then it would be rude of you not to share that wisdom with your mates.
13. When it comes to Christmas decorations, tinsel is everything.
14. Coffee is really just for show, you’d always prefer a V and a durry to kick-start your day.
15. Tracey Grimshaw is your spirit animal.
Photo Credit: Bondi Hipster