Funny

The 7 Worst People You’ll See At Splendour In The Grass

By Millie Lester - 20 Jul 2018

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Splendour In The Grass is taking centre stage this weekend in good ol’ Byron Bay, which means some of Australia’s loosest units will be converging in the one crusty paddock for a full weekend of glorious delinquency.

Here are the 7 worst people you’ll see at Splendour In The Grass this weekend.

#1 Dan

Who’s drinking vodka out of a Garnier Fructis bottle and singing Pan!c At The Disco from the roof of his car

Dan quit his gig at Thirsty Camel on Wednesday just so he could lock eyes with ‘that hot Kiwi bird with the weird dancing’ from the mosh.

According to Centrelink, he’s a third of the way through an ag science degree, but according to Nathan’s Snap story, he’s elbow deep in ‘chicks and p*ss’ six nights a week. When Dan’s not sitting on an Uber rating of 1.94 and rating drivers on ‘hotness and banter’, he’s stealing Nature’s Own multivitamins from Woolies and selling them on the ‘Byron Bay Buy & Sell Under $500’ Facebook page.

#2 Kyle

Who didn’t bring a tent because he plans to bag a bird instead

Kyle has been eating Barbecue Shapes and Wonderwhite with tomato sauce for the past forty-eight hours and has peed on his mate's tent no less than four times.

He gained notoriety in 2008 after featuring in a 60 Minutes story about falling victim to a major Bunnings gift card scam, and has also made it through to the auditions round on Deal or No Deal.

His greatest achievements to date are a high distinction on a grade 5 NAPLAN numeracy test, and being registered as a sex offender after getting naked in a food court fountain at a work Christmas party in 2016.

#3 Aurora

Who runs everyone’s cars flat trying to charge her phone

Known to her friends as ‘Rorsy’, and to her netball coach as ‘that loudmouth’, Aurora is a PR intern by day and a proud Gemini by night.

Technically she’s vegetarian, although she loves a dirty 7-Eleven sausage roll and choccie milk combo, and will without fail comment ‘Looking hot babe, who does ya nails? xx’ on every single one of Lara Bingle’s Instagram posts.

When she’s not taking annual leave to get every follicle on her body lasered off, she’s pretending to be blind when approached by public transport inspectors.

#4 Hamish

Who gets his stomach pumped in the St John’s Ambulance tent on the first night

Hamish has been a staunch feminist ever since he was voted best-on-ground at his recent mixed netball grannie. He calls everyone who isn’t double-parked with a pair of Double Blacks a ‘piss weak pedo’ and prides himself on being able to drink a slab of Coronas in a night. When he’s not wearing dirty Vans with jeans and referring to girls as ‘birds’, he’s writing into his local council demanding that women complete two-hundred driving hours before sitting their Ps test. Hamish’s guilty pleasure is calling up radio stations and requesting ‘Grenade’ by Bruno Mars.

#5 Zac

Who pops a squat in the mosh halfway through Safia’s set

Zac’s grandparents are technically second cousins, but so were Shaquille O’Neal’s dogs so you can shut the hell up.

On the weekends, he enjoys throwing his PS4 controller at the wall when he tanks a free-throw on NBA 2K18, and crotch-stomping his mates when they fall asleep during kick-ons.

When Zac isn’t Googling ‘how to test negative for a drug test’ or ‘how to get bulk muscles in a fortnight’, he’s eating Mi Goreng four packets at a time and shouting ‘triggered’ at his mum every time she yells at him for hoarding crockery in his bedroom.

#6 Taneisha

Who’s too busy laying a Valencia filter over her photos to watch a second of music

Taneisha has been intermittent fasting for the last eight weeks in order to fit into her Boohoo bejewelled cropped mesh halter top and leather hot pants.

Since February last year, she has accumulated over six-grand in outstanding AfterPay debts, and just last month left her beloved Holden Barina in a Red Rooster car park because she didn’t want to change the tire.

Taneisha was once hospitalised for hypothermia after participating in the ice bucket challenge, and has also had her home IP address blacklisted from Chatroulette after repeatedly sending unsolicited pics of her family Daschund, Neil.

#7 Anne

Who’ll call anyone who shoves her on the D-floor a ‘fat slag’

Anne has more pairs of Rubi shoes than she does underwear.

She enjoys sugar-free Redbull, knock-off Ugg Boots and commenting ‘still fat’ on former Biggest Loser contestants’ social posts.

As a child, Anne was described as a ‘delinquent’ by three separate child care employees and was blacklisted from her local Blockbuster for repeatedly calling the manager ‘Mrs Moustache Lady’.

These days, you’ll find her either stealing tank tops from Harris Scarfe or leaving scathing reviews on the Hungry Jacks Facebook page.

Image credit: Stephen Arnold

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