Another week, another night glued to the telly, asking ourselves ‘what is life without the merry Westeros crew in our lives’?
Kicking things off in classic GOT style, we find that THE HOUND IS STILL ALIVE! Certainly left for dead a couple of seasons ago, he’s clearly feeling much better now (‘I’m a big fucker and I’m tough to kill’ quote unquote), hanging out and building houses with a far flung scruffy tribe led by Ian ‘Torchwood’ McShane. Respite? Whatever floats your boat, mate.
Over in King’s Landing, Margaery is busy quoting scripture with the High Sparrow—who frankly needs a good bath and a shave at this stage— while playing a PG-rated game of secret Pictionary, shipping Lady Olenna back to Highgarden with a piece of paper proving her unwavering loyalty (and her sanity) to house Tyrell. The written word is ‘sah’ last year in Westeros.
Lady Olenna verbally bitch-slapped Cersei before her departure from K.L, reminding her that everything that has happened to date is actually all her fault. Ouch! Olenna 1, Cersei 0.
Jon and Sansa meanwhile are doing their best impression of travelling door-to-door salesmen, attempting a recruitment drive for supportive houses up north. Sansa gets a bit lippy and ends up with egg on her face when trying to guilt the ‘loyal’ house Glover into supporting what’s left of the Starks. Apparently people don’t like Rob that much? Who’d have thunk it?
The sibling tag team then try their bargaining skills at house Mormont, only to get shut down by the badass queen of sass, 10-year-old leader Lady Lyanna. She has a nice chat with Ser Davos, who has had enough of Jon and Sansa’s sub-par attempts at rallying, and gets them 62 men. On ya Davos!
After being shipped off to support the Lannister army’s war effort, Jamie and Bronn’s bro-mance continues, this time at the walls of Rivverrun. Arriving to a total shit-show run by the Freys, Jamie takes it upon himself to have some stern words with Blackfish and take back the castle in a one man show of bravado.
Our favourite downtrodden Iron Islander, Theon gets a real ear chewing from his sister as a kind of mean-but-well-meaning pep talk in a public house-come-brothel. Yara’s selling points: put everyone out of their misery and kill yourself, your sad face and depressing demeanour is such a drag. Or, get your shit together, grow a (hypothetical) pair and plot revenge against Ramsay. While Theon decides whether he can get over his darkest days, Yara gets it on with a prozzie. A girl’s got to eat, right?
To wrap things up, Arya gets stabbed by the faceless man’s fave apprentice, the Waif. Like, stabbed a lot. With her insides now sitting outside of her body, will she survive to make it back to Westeros??