Welcome to day four on Nice-Bum-What’s-Ya-Name-I’ll-Snog-Ya-Anyway Island! After another tumultuous sixty minutes of watching a dozen mature adults grapple with the social and environmental injustices of the modern world (flat chests and wind) it’s about fair to say that Australia’s next generation is fully f*cked if these people procreate. If you can, throw a coin in a fountain and say a small prayer for our country today.
Here are 32 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- BREAKING: Grant from Canberra is a lying pile of steaming camel faeces.
- And Erin is LOVING. HERSELF. SICK. watching his current and backup squeezes tear flippin’ strips off him, because she’s not here to find love, she’s here to find material for her upcoming novel ‘How To Not Let Real World Distractions Affect Your Winged Eyeliner Application’.
- After what feels like eleventeen hundred hours of ‘he said, she said’, Cassidy pulls Tayla and Grant into the good room to finally have it out like proper adults in bikinis.
- Unfortunately for Tayla, Grant denies any wrongdoing and instead lobs her under the bus to ensure he has someone to fork in bed that night like a real man.
- But unfortunately for Grant, the last 96 hours are all taped and the entire country hates his freaking guts now, including the team at HiSmile and Legacy Camberwell, so good luck getting free teeth whitening and brunch now ya mole.
- Tayla then nicks off to the diary room to ugly cry into her hands because this is LITERALLY the worst day of her beautiful life.
- And then Grant has a hissy fit and storms off to the pantry to scoff Chicken Crimpies, leaving Cassidy to gradually reach a point of forgiveness via an institutionalised desire to rely on a male partner to validate her self-worth, regardless of his infidelities.
- In the spirit of Love Island and centuries of sanctioned adultery, Cassidy decides to give the Crapp Man another chance because why the f*ck not, you only get drunk and naked on national telly once.
- The next morning, Natasha and Charlie try to rope Erin into their alliance but she’s too busy wrapping eyeliner around her ears.
- HOLY SH*T IT’S SOPHIE BLOODY MONK.
- She’s here for her contractual weekly seven seconds of camera time and doesn’t look a day over twenty-two.
- We then have to sit through six and a half minutes of amateur topless modelling from the two incoming meatballs forward-slash self-confessed lady killers (omg kill me).
- In a shocking plot twist, the newcomers arrive FULLY F*CKING CLOTHED.
- And the girls are on ‘em like a drunk white girl to Mi Goreng.
- Meanwhile, the boys’ territorial instincts kick in and they start pissing on furniture.
- Fortunately, Justin isn’t threatened by hot international DJ, John-James, because he’s just a ‘less hot’ version of himself with a better vocabulary, global awareness, consistent income, communications skills and maturity.
- Unfortunately for Justin, Millie’s putting on the moves and is deep into her philanthropic past, trying to get John-James’ kit off with whispers of animal rescues and selfless acts of ‘dog patting’.
- Someone suddenly slips into John-James’ DMs and says that Australia voted for him to go on a date with Cassidy, who has successfully blocked out the trauma of yesterday and now doesn’t want to hurt Grant.
- Grant is bloody livid because NO ONE goes on dates with Cassidy except him. And maybe Tayla if she’s free.
- HOLD THE BLOODY PHONE - AUSTRALIA HAS VOTED FOR ELIAS TO TAKE CASSIDY ON A DATE TOO.
- At this point, Grant is spitting fire and erratically going around the house telling the stray cats ‘it’s cool, it’s cool, it’s cool, it’s cool’.
- Cassidy then rubs some BB cream into her cheeks and sprays a bit of Marc Jacobs Daisy on her armpits and joins John-James for some mojitos in the carpark.
- Back at the villa, Grant makes Tayla apologise for being a ‘psycho b*tch mole’, and she does because she is subconsciously defined by her relationships thanks to centuries of entrenched misogyny and spousal dictatorship.
- John-James arrives back at the house with a ‘stray’ cat he stole off a small child on the street, hoping to impress Millie with his pussy whispering.
- Over in the carpark, Cassidy is on her second date in fifteen minutes and is dobbing in all the chicks with fake tits in the villa to fill in some time #screwthesisterhood.
- The date with Elias lasts all of seven seconds because Cassidy’s itching to get back into Grant’s Stockholm Syndrome-y arms, so everyone jumps in the hot tub and plays truth or dare because intellectually no one is older than fourteen.
- Josh is also putting in some groundwork to get a high-five from Kim before the day is through.
- However, she’s otherwise occupied with Elias who was clearly maggoted when he applied online for what he thought was Fear Factor, because he’s telling her he’s looking for someone who’ll jump off a cliff with him.
- Kim chokes down a Yakult and decides to tell Josh he hasn’t got a Grant’s chance in monogamy of sticking his meaty flap down her throat.
- Out on the deck, Justin’s crunching some numbers and trying to work out how many people are going home if there are six girls and seven boys.
- Natasha, on the other hand, is going the right way for a dacking from Millie by stealing John-James away for a chinwag at the barbecues.
- Honestly, how the f*cking hecking sh*t is this show on five days a week and McLeod’s Daughters was cancelled in 2009 after a flawless eight-season run?
Keep up to date with all of the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now