Funny

29 Things No-One Has Ever Said In The Workplace

By Anna May - 23 Nov 2017

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Work is a funny thing. You get paid to do something, sure. But on the other hand you find yourself surrounded by an enormous group of people, but probably all you’ve got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for 8 hours a day (special high-5s to anyone that gets that reference). 

Lots of things happen in an office setting. People get sick and refuse to go home because they’re the hero of the building, people show you pictures of their kids, and people make out in supply cupboards. Or so I’ve heard. Here are 29 things you’ll never hear your co-workers say. Ever. 

  1. “Could you do me a favour and type a little louder, please?”
  2. “What are you talking about? I left drinks at 9pm last night, just like I said I would.”
  3. “I feel so much better after that team building exercise.”
  4. “Really? Your baby pooped FOUR times this morning?”
  5. “Why would you buy coffee when you can get this?”
  6. “I had a great chat with Carol from accounts payable in the lift this morning.”
  7. “I really don’t give a shit how your weekend was.”
  8. “You should go ask Lianne about her Civil War reenactment holiday, it’s fascinating.”
  9. “That powerpoint was fascinating. Where’d you find the layout?”
  10. “How’s Weight Watchers going, Paul?”
  11. “I’m so glad you came over to check if I got the email you literally just sent.”
  12. “Wow, that tuna smells great!”
  13. “And so does that gym bag. Was it… *sniffs* boxing today, Joe?”
  14. “No, no. I’ll unstack the dishwasher, it’s my turn.”
  15. “What a cute, funny little note someone left next to the pile of mugs on the sink.”
  16. “Yay, the air con is giving me fripples again!”
  17. “I made eye contact the whole way through singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Eileen today.”
  18. “Sorry, I won’t be participating in your gossip session this morning.”
  19. “There’s SO much cake leftover.”
  20. “Don’t be silly, Margaret, I could never get sick of seeing photos of your one-eyed cat’s tea parties.”
  21. “A social sport team? Count me in.”
  22. “Please, tell me what you’ve been loudly laughing at to yourself for the past 10 minutes while looking around to make sure everyone can see you laughing.”
  23. “Whose turn is it to stand behind me and stare at my screen?”
  24. “Cooking eggs in the microwave? What a genius idea, Jeanette.”
  25. “The printer works perfectly.”
  26. “I have THE BEST thing to write in Alan’s birthday card this year.”
  27. “Welp, it’s 5pm, better pack up and leave now.”
  28. “This doodle of an elephant riding a water bottle perfectly sums up everything that was covered in that meeting.”
  29. “Don’t be silly, Steven. I love giving my hard-earned money to your fun run or birthday present.”

While we're at it, this is what all of those passive aggressive emails really mean.

Image credit: The Office

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