The local CBD is often a cesspool of deplorable human activity (a.k.a. people walking slowly), but here are the 7 worst offenders to keep your eye out for:
#1 Amanda, who walks up the wrong side of the Myer fragrance aisle during the lunchtime rush
Amanda and her family have made a special trip to the city because she’s refusing to let Nan make her deb dress. She is currently wearing her best Ripcurl pastel pink zip-up hoodie and Jodi from down the street even gave her eyelash extensions yesterday behind the skip bins at school. When Amanda and her family aren’t walking six-abreast through the mall, they’re stopping at KFC for a 3-piece feed and fighting over who has to pay for parking. In her downtime, Amanda enjoys pretending to be ‘in the market for concealer’ so she can get her makeup done for free at Napoleon Perdis.
#2 Joan, who wears her bus pass on a lanyard around her neck and Facetimes her daughter in every shop
Joan flew into the country yesterday and has so far visited Harris Scarfe, Boost Juice and the Telstra shop. You’ll find Joan taking panoramic shots of Wooliesstorefrontss, skolling bottles of Fiji water and eating pre-packed sandwiches from a plastic bag. Joan’s idea of a good time is drinking a tall glass of freshly squeezed pulp-free OJ in a Gloria Jeans with a strong wifi connection so she can play Words With Friends and comment on photos of her niece on Facebook.
#3 Neville, who says ‘must be free’ when items don’t scan at the checkout
Neville prides himself on walking at half the pace of a normal human being and wearing his wallet in a bumbag around his waist. In his downtime, Neville is partial to starting fights in the local newsagent when he can’t solve a sudoku in Take5 Magazine and telling strangers to take their feet off the seats on public transport. When Neville’s not throwing cans of crushed tomatoes on the floor to get a discount at the supermarket, he’s usually asking retail assistants if they’re deaf.
#4 Amy, who scrolls through Facebook while jaywalking through traffic lights
Amy is a uni student and self-diagnosed celiac. She enjoys spending her time defending the nutritional content of Boost Juice to her friends and managing her Riverdale fan account on Twitter. When she’s not window shopping for clothes under $100 at Gorman, a.k.a. ‘shopping for a bloody miracle’, she’s usually attempting to sell her textbooks on Gumtree for a profit and accruing an elaborately large ‘Wedding Ideas’ Pinterest board collection.
#5 Fayden, who spits on the footpath and wolf-whistles at ‘birds’
Fayden has been banned from Tinder on no less than eight occasions for ‘unsolicited fertility advice’ and was once blacklisted from a dental clinic for pulling his own tooth out in the bathroom. In his downtime, Fayden enjoys watching Plane Crash Investigations highlights on YouTube, throwing rocks at birds and trash-talking pale ale. When he’s not comparison shopping for low-grade explosives on eBay, Fayden’s usually assaulting Telstra on Facebook for ‘flogging all his credit’ and stealing unchained bikes from train stations.
#6 Alessandro, who stops in the middle of footpaths to reply to texts and types with one finger.
Alessandro is technically the only person in the Southern Hemisphere to have never seen the movie Shrek and has regularly been banned from the public library for eating Cruskits too loudly. On his off days, Alessandro enjoys making to-scale model replicas of Olympic opening ceremonies and honey joys. When he’s not charging his Nokia 6220 every twenty minutes, he’s typically bulk-buying bicarbonate soda from Coles and shaking his head at ‘young people’ on public transport.
#7 Mick, who wags school to get an iced Frappuccino from Starbucks and sit in the mall mouthing anyone in a pencil skirt.
Mick will tell anyone who’ll listen that he built his BMX bike from parts he found exclusively in Hungry Jacks skip bins. He likes to spend his weekends ‘spearing’ possums with sharpened broom handles and stealing bath bombs from Lush for his girlfriend. When he’s not eating Nestle Blend 43 from the tin, Mick’s either stealing flags from the golf course behind his house or making memes about Shannon Noll being robbed in 2003.
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Image Credit: Christopher Burns