Word on the street is this sh*tshow’s only got a good week and a half of life left in it, so if there’s ever been a time to hold your breath, close your eyes and power through, it’s now. Basically, the dust is still settling after Franny’s *very* predictable exit and now Dom’s grappling with having to have the same conversations about favourite colours, cutest dog breeds, bra size and BMI with a completely different woman.
Here are 30 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The episode opens with everyone off their t*ts yelling ‘voulez-vous coucher avec moi’ to Franswahz from the driveway.
- After spontaneously developing emotions, Dom then rips into Jax for ‘dogging the boys’, even though it was Teddy who actually swindled him, and in an act of revenge starts a rumour that Jaxon owns a puppy farm.
- Eden overhears the whole thing from his makeshift throne by the pool, and thinking it’s a bit of a laugh, agrees to spread the rumour through the villa because there’s been a real deficit of home wrecking since Cassidy left.
- Word eventually gets round to Shelby that her boy runs a dog cartel and she absolutely chews him out on the back lawn for lying to her.
- Jaxon then tells Grant and Teddy that he only looks for two things in a woman—eyes and a mouth, and Shelby’s are both sh*t.
- After the rumours about the puppy farm get back to him, Jaxon takes Shelby aside to clarify that it’s a small to medium domesticated petting zoo, not a dog breeding facility.
- She immediately forgives him because baby chickens are the sh*t.
- Tayla then gets a text announcing that the boys are making brekkie in bed for the girls that morning, and like the utopian heteronormative couples they are, the girls are pretty confident they’ll f*ck it up.
- Out by the barbecues, Grant decides to write Tayla a card but can’t think of anything so just takes in her ‘accidentally’ scrambled eggs and sings her the Collingwood club song.
- Dom then serves Mac up a bowl of garden soil and Josh brings Amelia a glass of water and a lemon, because though cooking is an essential survival skill that everyone should know, it’s cute when boys can’t boil an egg.
- After breakfast, Jax puts in some groundwork to try and redeem himself by using fruit metaphors to describe the working relationship he has with a dozen disabled children.
- Millie then explains to Shelby that Eden’s a thoughtless mole who just wanted to take Jaxon down a peg by joking about the mistreatment of baby animals.
- After spending most of the morning drawing eyeliner up to her scalp, Erin decides to join the girls’ work out sesh to exercise her body and not just her potty mouth.
- Over on the grassy knoll, Eden is hosting his own gossip sesh, ragging on Jax for not telling the boys that Teddy found an immunity idol.
- And on the loveseat, an emasculated Josh and Dom are fighting about syntax and whose girl has the best child bearing hips.
- Mac then gets a text announcing that there are six couples and today there’ll be six dates, so one for each couple. Josh asks Mac to please run those numbers again.
- The ‘dates’ turn out to be half a dozen trestle tables set up around the pool where each couple is encouraged to verbally communicate with each other without grabbing their bits.
- Over in the dog house, Jax is busy trying to patch the holes he shanked into his and Shelby’s relationship bucket late last night.
- On the table next to them, Grant is yabbering on about his ‘happy strong heart feels’ to Tayla.
- And Teddy compliments Millie’s banter and immense ‘street’ intelligence.
- Meanwhile, Eden asks Erin if she’ll have his babies, and then raise them at home for eighteen years while he tours the Gold Coast as a club promoter.
- After about six minutes, everyone runs out of body parts to compliment and agrees to wrap up this cheap speed dating sham so they can squeeze in some SPF-free sun tanning before the sun goes down.
- Drunk on chlorine, Eden decides to plan an elaborate gesture in order to ask Erin to ‘go round wiv him’, which is apparently necessary after you’ve shared a bed, bodily fluids, ‘oi luv ewes’ and plans to have babies together for the last five weeks.
- And credit where credit’s due, the whole thing’s f*cking cute.
- After setting the other five boys up through the house with his favourite Fast & Furious quotes written on the back of toilet paper boxes, Eden meets Erin by the pool where he ‘checked her rack out for the first time’ #swoon.
- Somehow he’s tracked down a ‘pumpkin pie’ which is actually six slices of pumpkin on a piece of pastry, and then makes a speech about how one day they’ll watch this same sunset with their kids and show them a YouTube video of them both sucking face under the same sunset years earlier.
- Eden then pulls out a decrepit old homemade bracelet made from tampon strings that he ties to her arm and explains that the only way it’s coming off is when he pries it off her cold, dead wrist #megaswoon.
- The villa then throws one of those strange slow motion dance parties.
- And a new text message reveals that Australia has swung a night away in the Sex Dungeon of Love to fresh romantics, Amelia and Josh.
- No doubt we’ll get to see some lovely night vision footage of him cattle-prodding her with his lap rocket in Tuesday night’s episode.
Catch up on all the Love Island drama here.
Image credit: 9Now