Footy fever is well and truly pulsing through our sinuses as we head into the cooler months, which means Australia’s rawest dogs are now on display at major sporting venues across the country. So keep an eye out for these idiots.
#1 Adrian, Whose Main Argument Against Women’s AFL Is Low Scoring Even Though It’s Halftime And Hawthorn Are On 8.
Adrian has every season of Top Gear on DVD Blu-ray, he reads exclusively murder mysteries written by James Patterson except for The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith, but only because he didn’t realise it was a pseudonym for JK Rowling. Adrian enjoys turning on the barbecue, drafting heavily worded letters to The Herald Sun about ‘incorrect’ cryptic crossword answers and putting his recycling in other people’s bins. Adrian also likes to spend his downtime telling boundary umpires they’re blind.
#2 Mollie, Whose Grandfather Put Her Down For An MCC Membership At Birth But Goes To One Match A Year.
Mollie registers a new ANZ Access Advantage account every 30 days so she never has to pay for Spotify Premium. She enjoys filling up petrol in exact dollar increments, ringing the RSPCA every three days to see if they have any kittens available and bulk-buying pastel crockery and polar fleece throws from Kmart. When Mollie’s not asking security staff where the MCC entrance is, she’s adding the ‘Raise Hell’ geotag to a selfie of her sipping a Carlton Draught in her Snapstory so everyone knows she’s at the footy.
#3 Gary, Who’ll Get Arrested For Antisocial Behaviour By Three-Quarter Time.
Gary attends every football match with his wife of thirty years, not because she likes it but because he pays the bills, end of discussion. He enjoys telling his daughter university is a waste of time, unwrapping his birthday presents in total silence and referring to anyone under 25 as a ‘greenie’. Gary has been arrested on more than one occasion for antisocial behaviour because the live radio commentary on his Sony Walkman is delayed by three seconds, so every time the opposition kicks a goal, security thinks he’s telling his wife to get f*cked.
#4 Jimmy, Who’s About To Get Backhanded By The Woman Next To Him For ‘Sneaking By’ For The Sixth Time This Quarter.
Jimmy and his mates have been pre-drinking for this Sunday afternoon mid-season match since 10am yesterday morning because Tony won $500 for answering a question about Kylie Minogue on the radio. When Jimmy’s not at the casino putting his girlfriend’s birthday money on black at the roulette table with the boys, he’s using stolen milk crates as dining chairs and cancelling his ambulance cover to pay for speeding fines. Jimmy will without a doubt leave halfway through the fourth quarter to avoid traffic congestion even though his team is winning.
#5 Harriet, Who Pretends Not To Know The Rules So She Has Something To Talk About With Her Tinder Date.
Harriet actually came third overall in the 2016 SuperCoach competition and put down a deposit for a three-bedroom Metricon home, but that’s neither here nor there. Harriet’s friends would describe her as unlucky in love, good with money and a savage on the table tennis table. When she’s not fraudulently disrupting the power balance in potential relationships so as to fast track the prospect of marriage, Harriet enjoys trialing recipes in the new Donna Hay ‘Basics To Brilliance’ cookbook and adding to her ‘baby announcement ideas’ board on Pinterest.
#6 KVIIIlyn (Pronounced Kate-lin), Who Has Failed Every NAPLAN Test To Date But Knows The Heights And Weights Of Every North Melbourne Player Since 2011.
KVIIIlyn has an opinion about every single disposal that occurs in the match but has never held a football in her life. She has spent the last decade building the linguistic repertoire of a 48-year-old roustabout rather than focusing on not having to repeat year three again. In her downtime, KVIIIlyn enjoys watching plane crashes on YouTube, telling her brother he’s adopted and setting fire to napkins in restaurants.
#7 Kayden, Who Is A Collingwood Supporter.
Kayden once killed a possum with a Heineken bottle opener at his cousin’s house in Darwin. He enjoys stealing cans of Monster from his local IGA, lying to his mother about brushing his teeth and hot wiring cars with handicap stickers at Chemist Warehouse carparks. When he’s not skipping his mandatory parole meetings to call in false Tasmanian Tiger sightings from Central Victoria, he’s refusing to pay the full $4.20 for a pie at the footy and yelling at female water runners to get back in the kitchen.
Sounds like someone you've come across? You can track down all of our '7 worst' articles right here.
Image credit: The Daily Advertiser