Welcome to the seventeenth episode of Firmly-Reinforcing-Traditional-Gender-Stereotypes Island. So far we’ve established that hot people don’t have to participate in gainful employment, sex with strangers is ok if it’s in a locked room with no windows, and you can’t get sunburnt if you don’t ingest carbohydrates before 2pm. In the words of Green Day frontman, Billie Joe Armstrong, wake me up when Love Island ends.
Here are 30 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Love Island.
- The Isle of Stray Cats resumes with Eden punching a wall and throwing salad servers at the villa servants while Erin and Teddy return from their seven second platonic friendship date on the balcony.
- After a while he gets bored of pelting cutlery and shepherds Erin away to the barbecues for a stern talking to about ownership laws.
- The rest of the group chews Teddy’s ear off about mutually shared values and important social issues, as well as his favourite eyebrow shape and express tanning brand.
- Teddy tries to make peace with Eden later over pre-dinner corn flakes and gets a bunch a juvenile quips in return because the man’s a chubby school yard bully stuck in a toned villa bully’s body.
- Over in the bathroom, Cassidy is half way through a forty-minute shower cry because she saw Millie and Dom within a one kilometre radius of each other and can’t comprehend why a woman would be such a snake to the #girlcode.
- Grant then takes it upon himself to tell Dom that Cassidy’s a psycho b*tch mole that’s a few buttons short of a cardigan and Dom then uses that as an excuse for why he’s never been loved by a woman.
- As the sun rises over another day in paradise, Eden justifies his revolting reaction to Teddy’s friendly chat yesterday by calling it ‘protective behaviour’ and Erin’s lapping it up because that’s what over twenty years of toxic masculinity will do to a gal.
- Meanwhile Grant and Dom are busy on the grassy knoll plotting phase two of their diabolical plan to publicly defame Cassidy for having human emotions.
- Jaxon then gets a text telling Teddy to choose two birds to take for a feed on the other side of the backyard and chooses Mac and Franny because he can’t tell the difference between the two and doesn’t want to risk getting a pair of Cassidy eye daggers in the back so early in the competition search for love.
- Teddy and Mac then indulge in a few Ritz biccies and some mild salami on a crusty old tarp next to the pool.
- He then finds out she’s vegan and slaps a piece of cantaloupe out of her hand to ‘protect her from that f*cked gluten sh*t’.
- Next on the crusty tarp is Franny who’s pretty pissed that she’s missing her lukewarm morning instant coffee for this bullsh*t.
- Eden meanwhile gives Cass the heads up that Grant’s up to phase 2.7 of his second diabolical plan titled ‘I’m gunna flatly deny sh*t that actually did happen and was captured by HD video cameras from seventeen different angles until it kills me, by Grant Crapp’.
- She then confronts Grant vis-a-vis talking to Dom about her, and he says ‘f*ck off oi wooden bluddy do that aye yew crayzee sheila’ and then storms out and tells Dom all about the conversation he just had with Cassidy.
- Cass then has another shower teary, making that seventeen before lunchtime, and is so inundated with emotions that she hasn’t even noticed that the shower isn’t on, she’s literally drowning in her own bloody tears.
- Dom, who’s on the way to the fridge for a fairy floss Zooper Dooper, sees Cass crying and tells her to ‘man the f*ck up, people are dying on Santorini because they don’t have access to the NBN’.
- Josh then tells Grant he’s being an absolute mole and all the other boys are angry with him and Grant says ‘f*ck ‘em, f*ck the lot ovvum’ because he is literally incapable of exercising healthy emotional reactions to anything.
- Millie then asks Cass for a quiet chat and Cass rips her bloody ears off for sharing a pool with her non-physical estranged second best friend Dom six hours ago.
- It turns out that Millie and Cassidy’s slag-off has drawn a hypothetical line in the sand and the rest of the villa babes are now scrambling to pick a side (preferably one in the sun obvs).
- All of a sudden everyone’s gathered and waiting for the imminent text telling them to rendezvous at the fire pit ready for another random recoupling ceremony that merely determines which bed everyone’s sleeping in for a coupla days and literally nothing else.
- Sophie then swans in wearing a nice strapless ASOS number, compliments someone’s boobs and asks Teddy to pick a ‘sex partner’.
- Teddy chooses to recouple with Mac because everyone else is either taken or crying in the shower.
- Millie chooses to recouple with Dom because she wants to get shanked while she’s sleeping.
- And Franny chooses Josh because her starfish is in heat or something.
- Cass is up next and she’s gearing up to blow this whole thing wide open BY CHOOSING F*CKING GRANT.
- Sophie cannot believe what in the hecking hell she has just witnessed and is four seconds away from jumping into the fire pit herself, a la Jarrod Woodgate style.
- The camera then focuses on Tayla who’s cutting daggers at Cass who’s never felt more bloody alive in her entire goddamn life.
- Left with only Eden and the guy who won’t shut up about his facial hair, Tayla is forced to pair up with Jaxon, especially if she wants to wake up with both ears in the morning.
- Josh then compares what happened in the house tonight to the Holocaust and tells Grant that orangutans technically don’t have faces, only top-front bums.
- Which is where we might wrap up tonight’s episode before I go into cardiac arrest and bleed out onto my freshly mopped floor #jesussavemeamen.
Catch up on all the Love Island drahma here.
Image credit: 9Now