Ahh, Valentine’s Day. The day we all love to hate and hate to love. The day couples awkwardly manoeuvre a half-hearted Hallmark celebration, unsure of its Australian protocols, and the day singles are reminded of all the reasons they remain single (it’s a choice, obvs).
Whether you’re a cynic or an eccentric, we’re sure you’ve got some love to give this Valentine’s Day—even if it’s just to your mum. From dancing the night away at the disco, to love-themed dinners, to all out fancy degustations, there’s so much to do on Valentine’s Day in Perth that even the coldest hearts won’t be able to resist an outing. So brush your hair back and get ready to celebrate love: here are all the most non-excruciating things to do this Valentine’s Day in Perth.
F**k Tinder At The Brass Monkey Hotel
The only comedy event exclusively for singles, there are only two dates left to experience the hilarity and one of them conveniently happens to be Valentine’s Day. This show, hosted by high-energy comic Chris Henry, is all about getting singles off their phones and back in the pub meeting potential lovers face-to-face. They’ll provide the conversation, all you need is the good looks!
Cupid’s Wheel Of Tantric Fortune For Couples At Belgian Beer Cafe
Don’t be scared by the name, guys. On the other hand, please don’t get too excited. From Cupid’s School of Tantric Lapdancing, it’s time to up the relationship-ante by heading along to this show and taking a spin of the wheel. Who knows what you might end up with—will it be fur suit stroking, lap dancing or something involving cake?
(Not) The Bachelor Live On Valentine’s Day At the Hellenic Club Of WA
For those who love watching The Bachelor/ette at home on TV, imagine if you could just see it all unfold over one, hilarious evening, no ads, no interruptions, and most importantly, no script. Well, now you can at this show on Valentine's Day in Perth. Watch in horror and awe as three singles and a Bachelor or Bachelorette are taken and made into a match by Perth’s own Luke Bolland.
Beyonce Beats No Lights No Lycra At YMCA HQ
Decisively say ‘no thanks’ to Hallmark this V-Day and, instead, mark Bey-Day, which is every day, because Beyonce is Queen. Enter the darkness at this No Lights No Lycra and dance the way you feel, with no high heels, no judgment, no inhibition, and most importantly: no lights. Ladies, leave your man at home and fellas, leave your girl with her friends because this is a no-corny-stuff zone.
Whack-It Wednesday At Caballitos
While the name might suggest something slightly more untoward, on Whack-It Wednesday at Caballitos you get a shot at whacking the piñata with every lagerita you purchase! The special V-Day edition features adult prizes awaiting inside, with oversized $30 lageritas for sharing between two. Better start warming up the shoulders now! Oh and P.S. You get a free ‘love potion’ on arrival, so you’ll be under the Valentine spell in no time.
SWOON At Late Night Valentine
Bowled Over Dating is teaming up with everyone’s favourite late night spot, Late Night Valentine, to put on this singles mingler that promises not to be awkward. Avoid the sorry sights of couples feeding each other across the table and the pink and red streamers that hang in your eyes as you try to eat and dance the night away instead, surrounded by potential (and eligible) mates. There’ll be eats, drinks and old school soul-n-funk!
Lover’s Melt At Late Night Valentine
Late Night Vals is really bringing us the goods this Valentine’s Day! Outside in the starry courtyard you’ll find Lover’s Melt, a groovy little shindig featuring the sounds of love. With all the best love-themed music from throughout the decades being curated by some of Perth’s cutest DJ couples, you can be sure to feel the love on V-Day, without the cringe.
Burning Love At Varnish On King
Guys, book yourselves in for dinner at Varnish On King this V-Day if you want your relationship to burn a little hotter. Offering up a bacon and whiskey mini-cocktail on arrival alongside their usual menu of seriously good, Kentucky-inspired eats (think cold cuts with pickles, juicy onion rings, lamb ribs and pork knuckle!). And for those left questioning: yes, the bacon and whiskey combo is a thing, and if you haven’t tried it, this is the place.
Mate Night At The Windsor Hotel
This one really is for the non-believers—but hey, love for our mates is just as important as any other kind of love! Enjoy ‘anti-Valentine’s night’ at Mate Night at The Windsor. For all the single pringles, desperately undesirables, and forever spinsters, bring your mate along for a free dinner and send some love and appreciation where it’s needed.
Swipe Right Tinder Party At The Aviary
If you need someone to play cupid, look no further than the crew at The Aviary. In true modern romance style, this Tinder Party features DJ beats, drink specials and free entry, so you can come meet your soulmate (or something like that)—as long as you have a smartphone.
Feed Me Menu At Market Grounds
Ok, this one’s serious (and it’s a seriously good deal). Celebrate the day of love at Market Grounds with a delicious feed me menu curated by their head chef, which will feature a couple of starters to share, mains and a ridiculously drool-worthy dessert, for just $40 per person. Did we mention you also get champagne on arrival?
Three Course Dinner At Bib & Tucker
Another good deal for you and your sweetheart, Bib & Tucker is offering up a three course share-style menu for $75 with million dollar beachfront views. The main share is a slow roasted beef fillet served pink—assumedly in keeping with a love theme—and for dessert? Bib's Banoffee Bombe Alaska, which comes with lashings of banana and toffee, biscuit and meringue!
Valentine’s Day Mystery Dinner At The Old Laundry
For the couples who love food and adventure, or a bunch of friends who just want to show how much they love each other (and food), put your trust in the chef at this Valentine’s Day Mystery Dinner. For $60 you get, well, no information, no clues and no idea what you’re in for except for a satisfied palette and a full belly!
Three Course Chocolate Degustation At Measure Dessert Bar
If you’ve been a bit inattentive this year and really need to indulge your honey this Valentine’s Day, Measure is offering up what sounds like death by chocolate at this three course degustation. With paired alcoholic drinks designed by expert bartenders to compliment the chocolatey goodness, we are pretty sure you’ll be rolling out of here in all kinds of good moods.
Two Course Dinner At The Garden
For those who really couldn’t care less about Valentine’s Day but are looking to take advantage of the meal specials, here’s a cracker for you: two courses and a glass of vino for $22 at The Garden Leederville. Take your sweetheart, your best friend, your mum or your virtual companion down to enjoy a delish meal on the cheap—just be careful not to accidentally celebrate love while you’re doing it, that would be tragic.
Want more things to do this Valentine's Day in Perth? Check out our Fringe Festival guide.
Image credit: Nancy Hanna