Funny

Shitty Life Hacks To Get You Through The Day

By Daniel Colasimone - 30 Nov 2015

Everyone loves a good life hack these days. They are like little secret cheats to get through your day without having to try as hard.

As usual, The Urban List is better at life hacks than everyone else, so please help yourself to our 25 gold nuggets below. Thank you, you’re welcome.

If you are actually crazy or stupid enough to follow any of this advice, please don’t sue us. Come to think of it, just DON’T USE ANY OF THESE HACKS.

  1. We’re told to eat lots of fruit but it’s bloody boring to eat fruit so as an alternative do shots of cordial three times a day. Red works best.
  2. If you encounter a snake, never run or splash about, as that will only make them want to eat you more. Your best option is to poke your fingers into its eyes. If that doesn’t work, turn it over and rub its belly.
  3. Save money at Guzman y Gomez by stuffing your pockets full of cooked mince before you leave home. Then just order plain tortillas and fill them yourself. You’re going to need a lot of margaritas as well.
  4. Avoid paying the $250,000 it costs to raise a child by never having the kind of ‘traditional’ sex that results in pregnancy.
  5. Alternatively, drive a Toyota Yaris and you’ll never have to worry about someone wanting to bump uglies with you.
  6. If you don’t have any ice to put into your Woodstock Bourbon, scrape the frosty white snow from the inside of your freezer and use that instead. The various food juices and refrigerator fluids which have leaked into it will add extra flavour.
  7. If your shoes smell bad, pour a bottle of Givenchy’s Ange Ou Demon on each one, then set them alight.
  8. Interested in learning a foreign language but can’t afford lessons? Enter a life of politics and become a powerbroker for one of the major parties. Once you’re in the top echelon of the political class, become embroiled in a major corruption scandal so you are no longer electable. Your fat cat colleagues will ensure you end up with a cushy job as the ambassador to Argentina or Switzerland or Morocco. As one of the perks of the job you’ll get free language lessons.
  9. Avoid having to clean your teeth by wearing a football mouthguard while eating so they never get dirty.
  10. Hate talking to people? Wear a referee’s whistle around your neck and use it to command those around you.
  11. On a first date, demonstrate what a great partner material you are by talking incessantly about the fun stuff you did with your ex. Go into detail about your best dates, most intimate romantic moments and explicitly describe the high points of your sex life.
  12. Facebook is not just for the important moments in your life. Put everything on there. Use it as a kind of diary where you write down your internal monologue and let everyone know where you are and what you are doing at every moment.
  13. An easy way to find out a man’s penis size is to shove your hand down the front of his pants and grab onto his penis.
  14. Being rich doesn’t guarantee happiness. You have to be richer than all the people around you to be truly happy.
  15. Don’t order a cappuccino in Italy after midday or you’ll turn into Luciano Pavarotti.
  16. If you get ugly pen ink on your fingers, colour in the rest of your body so it’s no longer obvious.
  17. To avoid getting germs on your clothes when you go to the toilet at work, leave them in a neat pile outside the door before you go in, then get dressed again when you come out.
  18. Relieve stress by getting drunk as soon as you wake up in the morning.
  19. If someone treats you like shit, it’s probably because you’re a shit person. Change.
  20. If you’re self-conscious about your looks, take a picture of David Beckham or Jessica Chastain to a plastic surgeon and pay for them to reconstruct your face.
  21. Stop your cakes going stale by eating the entire thing in one sitting.
  22. Yawning is contagious so make sure you wear a condom.
  23. Stuck in traffic? Leave your car there and jet pack it the rest of the way to work.
  24. Having trouble sleeping? Go to the casino, it’s open all night!
  25. If telemarketers are interrupting your dinner, get arrested for espionage in Russia. There are no telephones in the Siberian gulag!

Need some life hacks for Christmas? Check out our article 8 Ways To Totally Avoid Christmas This Year!

Image credit: Grumpycats.com

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