We’ve got some bad news, folks.
Summer starts next week and it will soon be time to whip out those washboard abs and shapely buttocks to show everyone that summer bods truly are made in winter. But, if it’s all gotten too much and your body is still in hibernation, don’t fear, Metropolist is here.
With “#fitspo” accounts dominating social media, we’re all guilty of announcing that it’s now our time to put down the pies and pick up the dumbbells. But we all know that Netflix in bed is better than a boxercise sesh, can we get an amen?!
And so, if you want to fool everyone that you have a banging bod and that the gym is your second home, read our tips and tricks to give a very realistic illusion.
1. Use a sat nav, map or call up a search party to locate where your abs should be and get ready to contour that torso. We recommend using bronzer, but if you really want stay-put definition, a vivid does just the trick.
2. Switch up those selfie angles to take it from slumpy Susan to Candice Swanepoel in seconds. Arch that back, point those toes and tense those muscles. Secret tip; spray your hair with a shit-tonne of hairspray so that the light bounces off and distracts from everywhere else!
3. Channel your inner Snooki and listen to those high school geeks, as darker colours are scientifically proven to be slimmer on clothes and under. If you can’t be arsed to tone it, tan it!
4. Complain about how sore you are. All the time. Perfect that leg shake when you walk down the stairs, moan about how you can barely lift your activated charcoal smoothie to your lips and soon enough, you’ll be convincing every one (and yourself!) that you never, ever leave the gym.
5. Carry a spritz bottle of salt water. When you tell everyone that you’re taking part in a spin class on your lunch break, but instead are taking part in a “how-many-dumplings-can-I-fit-in-my-mouth” personal challenge, spray your temple and face for that shimmery, sweaty glow and colleagues will be none the wiser.
6. Always carry an emergency supply of bliss balls for when you bump into fellow #fitspo friends. That candid, “Oh you just caught me snacking on my favourite post-workout snack” will have them fooled and envious that you are so on the ball. Well bliss ball for that matter!
7. Learn the latest lingo. Make sure you are up to date with the latest food trends, diets, and vocab so you can join in with convos about the new “IT” fad of the month. Just because you’re not necessarily doing the “fermented dragon fruit detox” doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it.
8. Wear yoga pants all day, err day. Not only are they damn comfy and stretchy (perfect for tucking in that extra slice of Sals) they also happen to be associated with the #fitspo fam all over the world. Carry a yoga mat for extra brownie points. Mmm brownie.
9. Buy two pairs of identical jeans. One that fits and one at least two sizes too big. After a few months of incessant muscle moaning and “trips” to the gym, switch over to the larger size and watch as your friends marvel at your amazing weight loss regime. Ha, suckers!
10. Like as many #fitspo pages as you can. Share the latest raw energy ball recipe, comment on popular exercise accounts, and like as many posts as you can to show that you can’t get enough of the #fitspo life. Your activity will shine on your friends feeds as you sit back and lol at countless cat memes.
This article previously appeared on our sister site, The Urban List.
Photo Credit: Skit Box TV