Funny

Your Unreliable Horoscopes For 2016

By Daniel Colasimone - 01 Jan 2016

Our resident astrologer has spent the last 11 days lying on his back all night staring at the sky, then pouring over ancient charts all day in order to bring you his predictions for the year ahead. ‘Predictions’ may be too weak a word, as this is basically a highly scientific foretelling which is true to within 98.4% accuracy.

Your future is in these pages my children. Prepare as best you will as there is no altering it now.*

*cackles loudly, disappears into a cloud of smoke*

Aquarius

Kudos to you, Aquarius. After the endless amount of good you did in 2015, you will receive your just reward in the form of an Instant Scratch-It win of between $6 and $10 sometime in February/March. That may go some way to counterbalancing your rocky start to the year, which will involve an embarrassing houseboat accident. Aside from that, expect to get a new puppy and fall in love with a Nigerian royal.

Pisces

You will get laid this year, Pisces, I promise. Just keep chipping away at it. A highlight of the next 12 months will be when you become world number one at something. It may be badminton, Crossfit, wakeboarding, ballroom dancing or Words with Friends. Whatever you’re best at, focus all your energy on that until you’re the undisputed world champ. Avoid the dentist in 2016 at all costs. The news won’t be good.

Aries

After a scandal-ridden 2015, the new year will be a time for fresh starts, Aries. I’d advise selecting the four people you like most and cutting every other friend and family member out of your life. You may have to pay some of them to go away. Oh, and a business venture involving tattoo removal and the Catholic church is set to net you millions of dollars, so have fun with that!

Taurus

Your stubbornness is going to cause you a lot of drama in the near future, especially with the police, the local council and the Palmer United Party. Around May a very special ring will come into your possession. You’ll notice it makes you invisible when you wear it, as well as possessing a bunch of other powers. When a weird, bald little creature comes and asks you for it, I’d recommend just giving it to him, it’s not worth the trouble. Your lucky lotto numbers are 1 and 2.

Gemini

Guy Sebastian is going to play a huge role in your 2016, Gemini. That may just mean his polished urban pop becomes the soundtrack to your year, but who knows, maybe you’ll meet him, or he’ll perform at your wedding. Aside from that fun, a massive rift at your workplace will force you to choose sides between two factions. Not going to lie, you’ll choose wrong. Maybe just make sure your CV is up to date.

Cancer

An idea you’ve had germinating for a while will suddenly burst to life around March. This could set you on a whole new path, and may even earn you two minutes on Channel 7 news. A brief, tempestuous affair with a famous Australian tennis player will add some spice to April, but the second half of the year will basically be spent paying off the damage caused at your birthday party.

Leo

You’re a pretty egotistical cat, Leo, but for some reason that is going to serve you very well over the next 12 months. The people around you will be digging your arrogant vibe, and you’ll basically be too busy getting laid to get anything else done. I’m talking ALL THE TIME. It’s a tap you won’t be able to turn off, even if you want to. Like, I’m actually mad jealous already. What I’m saying is, forget about career advancements or spiritual growth in 2016 because you’ll only doing one thing, you absolute fiend. 

Virgo

Your phone is going to cause you untold troubles in 2016 (unwanted calls, crossed wires, Tinder), especially when Mercury is in retrograde on April 28 and August 30 so I would consider ditching it for a fax machine or pager. Actually, avoid technology wherever possible. Ride a bike or horse to work, swap your computer for a typewriter and give your Fitbit away to charity. In other news, you’ll get married to a Gemini in September. If you’re already married, best avoid going out for ‘casual drinks’ with any Geminis before September.

Libra

When you find and iPad in the back of an Uber in the early months of next year, whatever you do, don’t look at the information stored within. Just kidding, you’re definitely going to look, but when you do, be prepared for the US government to send a Jason Bourne-type ‘asset’ to eliminate you. If you somehow survive being targeted by a $25 million killing machine, you’ll find yourself heavily involved in local politics throughout the month of November. The words ‘dog’, ‘poo’ and ‘epic meltdown’ will all be used in the local paper when they profile you.

Scorpio

To avoid antagonising those around you in 2016, make sure you only wear the colour beige. An unexpected side effect of Pluto and Neptune clashing this year is that a Scorpio who puts on clothes of any other colour than beige will highly irritate everyone who looks at you, and also make snakes want to chase you. By a stroke of luck, you will end up in possession of the new series of Game of Thrones two months before everyone else in the world. Use this great power responsibly. If you happen to run into a speaking cat (you will), ask him about your secret half-sister.

Sagittarius

Everyone loves your sense of humour, Sagittarius, but it’s time to turn those funnies into cold, hard cash. This is the year you become a stand-up comedy sensation. And the only sure fire way to kick-start a stand up career in Australia is to sleep with somebody from The Project, so there’s your first step. Another way you should advance your personal growth is to start wearing an ironic piece of headwear at all times, like a raccoon-skin cap or some Viking horns.

Capricorn

Buoyed by a cameo appearance on a Jamie Oliver show in January, 2016 is going to be one of your all-time great years. A project you’re working on at work will, through an odd series of coincidences which have very little to do with your competence, end up earning your company $2 billion over a six-month period. You’ll also get a cool new pair of New Balance trainers in August, start a herb garden and move in with your hairdresser by the end of the year.

*If you wish to alter your future, please contact Dan. Prices start from $299.95 and there is currently a special on packages, which start at $599.95.

Image credit: thecoveteur.com

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