I’m feeling nauseated after watching the latest episode of The Bachelor, which involved some kind of chocolate-covered snog session and a bunch of people shovelling haggis into their mouths.
After Alex’s individual date brought back memories of Fatal Attraction, the next half of the episode was spent on some highly contrived (why do I use that phrase every week?) Scottish Games. For some reason Richie was also a participant in these Games, which involved all the female contestants dressing up as slutty schoolgirls and bending over a lot. In the end, the results were A TIE, and EVERYBODY got to go to the cocktail party, which is what happens every week anyway.
Right, rant over (JK, it has only just begun). Here are the power rankings.
As Alex’s insanity begins to become more difficult for her to conceal, Nikki’s relative normalness puts her at a distinct advantage. Example: When asked to eat disgusting haggis in order to impress our hero, Nikki decides to use a knife and fork rather than shovelling it into her face hole with her hands while making grunting noises as Rachael and Alex did.
Managing to steer clear of any humiliating or obsessive behaviour this week, Faith has only improved her chances by being a bit subtle.
Olena is cool AF and doesn’t like to express her feelings, and Richie makes her cry when he tried to force her to do so. Why did you make Olena cry you monster?? Leave my Ukrainian princess alone!
The date Alex had with Richie was one of the most toe-curlingly awful things I’ve ever seen on television, on so many levels. Apparently Richie has a mate at Lindt, which I’m sure also happens to be a sponsor of the show, so there is a making chocolate together part, followed by a bath in chocolate. So that’s gross because it’s a massive waste of food and also it’s disgusting to bathe in chocolate. Imagine cleaning that out of your cavities. What’s worse is the way Alex is clearly infatuated with Richie, not in a cute ‘we just started dating way’, but in a ‘be with me forever, or else’ kind of way. Richie, meanwhile, continues to robotically recite lines which are probably being autocued to him – lines like ‘You’re my fireworks, you ignite me.’ Like I said, the whole thing was pure filth, and I can’t eat chocolate again for at least six months.
Rachael’s audition for Housewives of Melbourne is going well. She’s lasted this long and raised her profile enough to earn the kind of social status which will get her some banker wanker husband.
I actually can’t tell the difference between these two. I missed a couple of episodes because I was watching the Olympics and now there are two blonde chicks with really annoying voices. Did they somehow clone Nikki? One of them was eliminated, so I have probably been unfair to the girl who stayed. Maybe our readers can tell me which? Send your answers on the back of a postcard to The Urban List.
I saw somewhere on my Facebook feed that Shane Warne and Kiki have been messaging each other. Enough said. When guys think about the mother of their future children, ideally they don’t want someone who has a history of sexting with Shane Warne.
Image credit: Channel Ten