TV & Movies

60 Thoughts We Had During The First Episode Of Bachelor In Paradise

By Ange Law - 26 Mar 2018


Strap in team—a new season of Bachie is upon us and this time it’s on a freaking island. And we alllllll know what that means: a swim up bar, too many cocktails, too much shameless fighting over a new, ahem, special friend and Osher. Sweet, innocent, lovely Osher.

Things are kicking off with the biggest montage of ocean frolicking, intense make out seshes and every single person you ever remember from previous seasons of The Bachelor saying things like “I can’t wait to shake things up”, “I just want to find love” and “what a f*ckwit”. Follow it up with all of the crying and we could probably just call this thing a day right now. 
Here are all the thoughts we had while watching the first episode of Bachelor in Paradise last night. 

  1. Osher is strolling around a pool telling us that we can expect peak drahmz this season because Channel Ten really needs this to be a hit and just can’t cope with another flop like The Biggest Loser okay. 
  2. First prisoner on the island? Our girl Tara. And I’m just jumping straight in with the first rule of the drinking game tonight (besides this one that we know you’re all over). Any time someone says the words ‘single and ready to mingle’ or ‘I’m open to falling in love’, take a shot.
  3. Before Tarz can head into camp, Osher whispers in her ear that she needs to say “bula” to everyone that walks through the door because babe, Fiji Water is the sponsor and did we mention that Channel Ten really needs the cash right now?
  4. Tara stumbles down to the beach before sniffing out the bar and yells the word sick 15 times. Because she’s our bogan princess and we love her. 
  5. And after a quick and totally natural, unplanned sweaty montage, Michael walks in and our spirit animal, Tara, yells bula in his face and tells him she’s the sweatiest human he’ll ever meet in his entire life.
  6. He tries not to vom and I instantly dislike him for not getting Tara’s cool girl chill realness. 
  7. He starts to give her a little fan down before leading her to the pool and reminding her how sweaty she is another three times.  
  8. I’ll only compliment this man once—his teeth are white AF. Seriously, we’re all thinking it, so if someone could get Michael on the blower and find out HOW he gets to this level of fluorescent. 
  9. Next up is Luke. Beautiful Luke. And I’ve just remembered why we all love him so much (right?). It’s because everyone was confused about why Sophie gave him the flick… except for lovely Luke. 
  10. Then Lisa strolls in and is asked for the 7 millionth time today whether she dodged a bullet when Blake ‘The Scumbag’ Garvey gave her the flick. The answer is yes and our boy Luke is already getting down on one knee trying to lock that shit down. 
  11. Lisa comments on how trimmed Michael is and she’s definitely talking about how on point his teeth whitening is. 
  12. Leah’s just come strutting down towards Osh and oh god we’re seeing that awful failed kiss again that is, frankly, a big fuck you to Danny and Sandy, okay and I’m not happy about it.
  13. Matty J’s face says it all—why is she here and whyyyyy is she trying to kiss me?
  14. Osher tries to cover up how uncomfortable he is being near Leah by yelling in her face and we’re just worried that he forgot to say bula. Seriously, Osher is all of us right now. 
  15. I’ve just realised that Michael and Lisa absolutely look related. 
  16. Davey is definitely their baby brother and like any big sister, Lisa has no time for his shenanigans thankyouverymuch.
  17. Insert a scene with Davey hugging his mum because the producers needed to work double time on making him look like a lovable idiot, rather than just a, well, player. 
  18. I’ll summarise the next prisoners to hit the island—Brett, Nina, Eden. End of. 
  19. Davey pulls Leah aside for a totally chill chat where he tries to give her one of his giant silver rings in exchange for helping him take out the win but then Florence walks in and Davey immediately snatches it back and drags Flo off to the beach. 
  20. I’m really hoping she goes full Florence and tells him to please-for-the-love-of-god remove his pimp rings. 
  21. Instead she offers him a wink-wink-nudge-nudge and writes her room number on the back of his hand in red lipstick.
  22. Nina and Eden are having chats and seriously, I already want my money back if it’s these two that get engaged at the end of this sh*tshow.
  23. I’ve decided not to comment on Mack’s ‘You, me, you, me, you, me’ song. I don’t have a single nice thought about it.
  24. Blake’s just rocked up in a watermelon suit and we’re just mad that Osher didn’t turn him around on the spot.  
  25. Jake walks in and it’s clear that Florence and him are verrrryyy well acquainted and Davey is losing his actual sh*t. 
  26. He’s already decided that his ego can’t cope with even a hint of competition so maybe he will go after Leah because that’s what he had planned to do anyway, okay. 
  27. We can already see how this one ends.
  28. Oh thank god. Osher has shown up
  29. Brett just refused to confirm whether he has a girlfriend because being single is the ‘entire premises to get on the show’ and I need to step in. Honey, firstly, it’s ‘premise’, not ‘premises’ and also, not one single person believes you. 
  30. Also, boy bye. 
  31. Finally we’re back to Osher and he’s trying to explain that rose ceremonies send the sad, loveless people home but hopefully they’ll do a good enough job of pretending to fall in love to win. 
  32. Cue Nina miming the word ‘WOW’ fifteen times silently while making awkward eye contact with everyone in the group. 
  33. Meanwhile, Davey just promised Florence one of his giant rings if she gives him a rose and is confused that she hasn’t already dragged him off to her bungalow. Then he’s given a date card, acts bashful, pretends he isn’t sure who he’ll invite on a date and then asks Leah.
  34. Leah. 
  35. Literally everyone is surprised. But especially Florence, who spends the next fifteen minutes yelling across the beach about Davey’s bad taste, while he’s on a super secret private date 20 metres away.
  36. Meanwhile, the rest of the group stands around debating whether their Insta follower count will still be relevant when Love Island airs. Nothing in life is guaranteed etc. etc. 
  37. Flash to Davey lying through his teeth about already being in love with Leah and we just can’t. Davey. Mate. Nope. 
  38. Over on the cabana, the girls chat about Flo’s men and whether she’d ‘go there’ with Jake. But we already know that she has and as far as Tara’s concerned, it should be a big fat yeah, nah.
  39. Ding, ding, ding! First pash of the season guys and Leah is not charmed by Davey’s performance. He’s just rapt that he’ll probs get offered two roses in the next ceremony and we’re already reaching for our second glass of rosé.  
  40. Florence is still surprised that ‘everyone has a Jake Ellis story’ but she’ll be damned if she’s made out to be a fool in front of Australia on a reality show designed for people to fall in real, legit love in total civilized privacy. 
  41. Flo tells Jake that everyone knows he’s a bit of a playa and he just asks who he needs to staunch right now. Meanwhile, we’re all left wondering why he’s still wearing a heavy button up shirt in Fiji while necking iced lemon water like it’s going to make a damn difference. 
  42. Leah and Davey have just walked into camp like two fourth graders who spoke on the phone all night but really don’t want to be caught dead talking IRL at school. 
  43. Then Mr. Man Child in the watermelon suit yells out whether they had a pash on the beach and is way more excited than any grown man should ever be about not being the actual person getting the action.
  44. Florence is just pissed off in the corner and at this point, I kind of feel sorry for her. The poor girl’s only got every single man after her except for the one she wants who’s mainly just confused that he has no rings left and also no girls. 
  45. Now Florence is pissed off on the cabana but it’s all totally funny because as if she’d ever like Jake or Davey anyway. 
  46. Cue Nina telling Leah that Flo and Jake are defs not a thing, Leah running to Davey and filling him in and in news that will surprise absolutely no one—the D Man is so confused by the literal stress free life on a beach that he decides he might like to go after Flo after all. 
  47. Because of course he does.
  48. The sun has just risen on the second day in paradise and while we’re just wondering who polished off our bottle of plonk, the boys are rubbing sunscreen on Luke’s abs one-by-one, and we get to hear the super articulate commentary by Leah, which goes a little something like this: ‘So ahhh, the sun is up and let’s do this paradise thing, yeah?’.
  49. Davey sits down with big brother Michael and tells him that he’s probs flipped between the girls too much already and he thinks he’ll just stick with Flo. 
  50. To which Michael, always the wordsmith, tells him that she’ll pick who she wants and bro, there’s really not much you can do about it. Wise words as always from Mr Professional Soccer Player. 
  51. OMG guys, deep sexy music has started and OH GOD IT’S KEIRA. 
  52. Yes, let’s get this shit started. She’s already flipped her hair 17 times, grabbed her boobs on camera twice, told us her body was born bikini ready okay, and that she just, you knoowwww, wants a gentleman. With big hands.
  53. Keira’s trying to make a dramatic super villain entrance but all we’re worried about is poor Tara. Seriously, can someone please get this cold beverage?
  54. Keira finally says what we’re all thinking and it’s about being so blinded by Michael’s freaking teeth that she can’t even and I never thought I’d agree with her ever #sendhelp #imsoscaredrightnow. 
  55. Nina trots down the hill with the second date card of the episode after being told by the producers that no one really cares whether her and Eden go on a god damn date. 
  56. Shock horror: Jake gets the date card and Davey just hopes that because he didn’t choose his bro’s girl Flo, Jake won’t choose her either. We’re all confused.
  57. Wait. “I just don’t know whether he’ll be reciprocal.” Davey, honey. No. 
  58. Honneeyyyy, no. 
  59. Keira’s voice of reason (I know, I’m still scared) cuts through and tells us that it’s been one day and everyone needs to chill, and we just stop thinking these people have far too many clothes on for a humid AF climate and haven’t done nearly enough frolicking on the sand for a bunch of people literally hanging out on a beach for the week. 
  60. I’m just going to summarise the rest of this episode with Davey yelling ‘babe, wait’ repeatedly at Florence and Jake’s retreating figures because of course Jake just swooped in and took Florence away. Because he can.  

To catch up on all things Bachie related, head here

Image credit: TenPlay

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